


Hidden Disgrace

by shainlov



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Founding of Konoha, Hatake Clan, Hatake and Inuzuka are like family but not quite, Homosexual Marriage, I don't like killing peeps, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Going to Hell, Inuzuka Clan, M/M, Pre-Konoha Village, Senju are strict, Shenanigans, Sibling Neglect, Tobirama is a different cookie tho, Uchiha are goofs, Uzumaki are scary, Warring States Period (Naruto), Why is the Rum Gone?, Wife is husband's buisness, but nobody knows, currently?, death?, did I mention Inuzuka?, except Tobirama, fluff is going to be there, they are goofs, until Hashirama takes over letting everybody be who they wanna be, until Konoha founding, what am I doing in my tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-07 17:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13439406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shainlov/pseuds/shainlov
Summary: Tobirama was an outcast. He knew why and he didn't mind. One day he went as usual to train alone and during his training he met a boy... Who is an idiot.





	1. Watashi Wa Hajidesu

**Author's Note:**

> I updated tags and I made my story look like a goofy one, it's not
> 
>  
> 
> until Konoha founding  
> but there will be angst still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 千手扉間
> 
> \- Senju Tobirama -
> 
> Between Thousand Doors
> 
> I think, that can be interpreted as "a man with thousand possibilities", how about you?

_Tobirama's life as a rightful Senju Clan member was ended with the moment he opened his eyes for the first time. Well, perhaps it wasn't the first time, but it was the first time he was viewed closely by his other parent - soft pale eyelids lifted and crimson red blazed - as the one the baby was supposed to call a father stared down at him._

_The one that he would call father, but never actually mean it._

_Butsuma's eyes widen looking into the red as fresh blood splattered on snow orbs, they were also blank, pupilless and narrow. They were nothing like big, round and wide, warm, dark brown ones that most Senju clan members had possessed._

_"What is this?" he spoke with anger and venom dripping like waves from his voice. He already knew the answer though, some could search for betrayal in the voice. "You weren't faithful... where is this thing's father?" He spat out like venom._  
  
_"Butsuma-..." The woman was startled by Butsuma's aggressiveness, he basically came into the room and snatched the little one from her arms. All of the Ninja Clans were very superstitious, and some predictions of diviners come true (always the ones that were very much likely, so with that in mind, Suiko still hadn't believed in forseers),the superstitious people were as funny, as annoying. Yet still, out of boredom, sometimes she reached out for an almanac (it's an annual calendar containing important dates and statistical information such as astronomical data and tide tables) and it said that a woman of her zodiac sign should avoid giving birth to a baby in winter this year. She ignored it and now she felt a bit thrown-off by the coincidence._  
  
_"Shut up woman! Don't speak unless it's answer to my question!" Butsuma said his gaze cold as he glared at the woman and carelessly let the child slid out of his arms, his wife immediately lunged and caught the baby then disappeared briefly from sight and stood in the corner of the room caressing the baby's head lightly as it giggled taking the whole situation wrong, but who could blame a baby?_  
  
_Woman with light brown hair stroked Tobirama's cheek gently before letting herself glance at Butsuma with rage and hatred. There was also a tinge of sick satisfaction, she liked the angered and in meantime helpless look in the Clan Head's eyes. He's a fool, ordering her to answer and then silencing her. Just like all the men in this clan- no, like all the people, the women raised within this mindset looked for anyone they could lash out at this being servants, slaves, prisoners or their own children._  
  
_Butsuma's wife used to be a shinobi (quite a decent one too), but her career was done as she was forced to unloving marriage with this man._

_She hated the way he treated her sons... like his own possession (not that she was spared that kind of treatment, but she was a woman and his wife and this clan was irritatingly "traditional", but she had a better name for it). She wished a lot of times to be born differently, with a different family, at different times, with different surroundings... or at least that her children would._

_She hated to look at the boys and see how much they look up to their father, the horrendous monster he is._

_One._

_One peace treaty would show these people that there is something an alternative to the endless wars and deaths. Under that degree, the lady of the Senju was born into a vaguely distinct clan, with different ideas, in a family, that actually **valued** the kin. Yet, as soon as crisis struck and growing the growing threat, they forced her to bow down and marry the man for politics. She was asked to be a good girl._  
  
_No, she won't be a good girl anymore. She's not going to be like all other mothers that **take pride** in giving birth to sons that will become warriors and killing machines._  
  
_The one peace treaty that would bond them all together for them to achieve common goal to have a better life - she passed on her beliefs to Hashirama, who was a male and unlike her - underestimated housewife - he could... **he would make a difference.** He was a bright cheerful boy. Itama and Kawarama had the ideas planted into their small minds as well, but they had to endure the war to grow up to understand fully what she means._  
  
_And there, a few months ago, she met him. A fucking man who made her weak without touching her at all. Somebody she finally, really, **truly** loved. That love was gentle and true, so... **pure**. Curse the damn wedlock. It was so much different, and it was so pleasant. So natural._  
  
_But she had to end it. She let go for her sake, and for his sake._  
  
_Tobirama, the youngest of **her** children was barely a few weeks old and there was the end to all his happiness in life. All solitude he could obtain with other members of Senju clan is unachievable. All of what he could have was done. Just because he inherited those pretty red eyes._ _He's not in equal social position. He won't be wanted by anyone. He won't be treated the same as rest of the kids. No, he'll be underestimated, mistreated and victim to viciousness and abuse._

_It's going to be unfair._

_He will be a Bastard son._

_She did not want to bring this upon any of her children - no mother would want that - but it's all too late for that... he's already born. Her heart was wrenching as she held the baby close to her, reminding all the years she trained and she was free to give her strength and argue for the sake of her son's life._ _She slowly stood straight, holding her boy, she turned to face fully Butsuma._  
  
_He's been discovered as Bastard Child. His life would end up that on that path either way - he'd discover his oddness or someone else would notice it._

* * *

_Years passed and Tobirama noticed that he's obviously "the worse kind". He's not stupid or talentless, very much the opposite. However, nobody applauded him when he achieved what others couldn't. Things he did were beyond his brothers' comprehension and mother wasn't the one he would dare to bother. She's always tired._

_Another unfair thing was that his three brothers had more freedom than he could ever think of. They were allowed to play with whoever they wanted as long as they weren't slaves or servants in middle of their work. They were allowed to stay outside for really long periods of time- hell, they were allowed to **go** outside. From the earliest days he recalls the weird Spartan type of life contrasting with the rich room Kawarama and Itama shared and neatly done Hashirama's room, full of useful scrolls, fake swords and armor for training._

_This difference didn't lay in the material meaning alone, but also in heart._

_His heart has been beating a different rhythm than all the rest._

_The white-haired naturally was serious and introvert, unlike his big-mouthed, extroverted, sensitive brothers. Everyone seemed to be like that. Open and loud. No wonder his quiet mother would rather stay home and cuddle with him. He prefers that too. His thought pattern laid out otherwise. He always thought of himself rather than others, he was always concerned about his safety and comfort which was almost all the time downgraded to something unimportant and abhorrent.  
_

_Going to physical appearance, he'd be also thinner than most boys (he was a bit famished too though). His hair was wild and unkempt no matter the attemps. And he had those big blood eyes that scared off the occasional kids that he happened to meet rarely._  
  
_The biggest difference that separated him from his brothers was that he always looked up to his mother._  
  
_His eyes were always set on that woman. She was the only one who ever smiled at him unconditionally. He wanted to become like his mother. Be caring and loving like her, always ready to give a huge reassuring smile and tell him she's here to listen and soothe him. Tobirama loved his mother the most among all living beings. He loved how she could shift from being cold to soft in a hearbeat. No matter how - a hug, a caress, whatever - her touch was the most tender and affectionate._  
  
_One day though, she was taken away from him._  
  
_Brutally and quickly._  
  
_Since then, he wouldn't dare look in anybody's eyes, until the **first breaking point.** He'd rather look away than hold a glare battle._  
  
_He stood out, very, and that's why the other kids from the clan picked on him as he began peeking his head outdoors._

_There was no mother at home, he had to find other people to pass time with aside to his brothers. Tobirama was capable of doing his revenge on the bullies, but he didn't. Whenever his fist has got written a name on itself of his bully he'd wipe it off thinking "mom wouldn't do that" (that was a lie, his mom would send him out to actually beat those bullies up, she was vicious) and he gives them harsh words instead. His sharp cunning tongue usually sends them weeping as in most of the Senju children start off as big crybabies._

**Sticks and stones, as they say, may break my bones. But words cut deeper than a sword.**  
  
_He recalls reading a book where the aggressive behavior was explained and ever since he always kept it in mind when he wanted to scratch their smiles off their faces with his nails._  
  
_If he did decide to fight them, he'd surely win, but would be rewarded with a unpleasant status that could end up with him in agony. There was a social gap between him and the rest of the children. He was a part of the royal family, but a class lower still, because of "Bastard Child" status._

_An Unwanted._

_Some kids called him "Trash Child"._

_If he wasn't born into the Clanhead's family he'd been used as a slave, if the fate decided to be milder, maybe a servant. Yet, since he was born into the Clanhead's family, he is not much of fit for a servant. Currently, he's shaped to be more of a bodyguard to the clan's heirs._

_Traditions saved him._  
  
_Tobirama had eyes that resembled the ones of an Uchiha which gave out a lot of bad vibes around him, which eventually led into learning a different strategy for scaring away his bullies. He had a glare that would make the ice queen jealous. It worked very well (the kids didn't fight him anymore, he ignored them enduring the pain of rarely so ever thrown things at him, he put minimum effort in something that's supposed to end soon. Red reminded all Senjus of the fearful caleidoscope-like eye - the Sharingan, it was something that they all feared - adults and kids alike, so Tobirama used it to his advantage)._

* * *

_Butsuma always puts extra pressure on him. The Clan's Head would beat him - or, as he would call it - do a sparring match with his (it always sends a chill down Tobirama's spine when he remembers all the times Butsuma, with this disgusted and sarcastic tone, called him his…) "son". His oblivious brothers due to their carefree (compared to what white-haired boy faced day-to-day) situation thought that Tobirama was father's favorite (he literally facepalmed hearing this from his brothers the first time)._

_Sure, favorite children like to complain about the intense expectations the parents set, but that's not it. H_ _e's not treated unfairly because of his possibilities, Butsuma just hates his guts, for whatever reason. Tobirama found himself never caring for the reason he was treated the way he was. He did something that upsetted the man and the man was etitled to hurt him and not face any punishment, end of the story._  
  
_The red-eyed boy viewed himself as different from others, with what he called "open eyes", everyone else has their eyes squinted at the reality, or completely closed. Tobirama knew that adults want him dead - and that sooner or later - was going to happen anyway, what change does it make for them? None, for him? Well, it's his life, so it does. He tries his best to not be useless and be kept around. He wants to live, even if everything so disgusting, illogical and hurtful. Normal person would have given up, honestly._

_Thanks to his blind brothers though, he had the courage to move on. He had Hashirama encouraging him to push pass any new and ridiculous objective set in his path, he had Itama and Kawarama who would help him heal after harsher beatings and fights._

_He was very grateful._

* * *

_Tobirama was way after the age that an average Shinobi has had its first battle experience._  
  
_He should've been fighting already on battlefields for three whole years however Butsuma would make him stay._  
  
_Stay and do chores._  
  
_Tobirama didn't mind them actually, he was used to doing the job that usually was assigned to women since his mother passing and Senju wasn't a clan that liked keeping servants for too long in the house, they were a bit paranoid on this subject, the servants were called only for the too tiring work._  
  
_He did the work splendidly, thus gaining recognition for his responsible behavior and furthermore, favor. Some distant relatives would ask him to help babysitting, cleaning and sent away the servants when he agreed, they would thank him and did small favors for him in return, for example, not complain about his snow-white, outstanding in the Senju clan, hair. Another reward was that_ _by the early teenage years, at least half of the hate turned towards him was almost gone, how can you hate a simple boy wanting to live and being polite about it?_

 _They would warm up to him with time, but he was already grown out of being warm towards people that hurt him at least once - he grew out of forgiveness and looking for attention. He knew he wouldn't be able to rely on any of them. Everybody shook in fear before his father._  
  
_Thanks to what others would call humiliating, he found himself figuring out what makes him relaxed and even if it wasn't typical for boys, he enjoyed those things. He enjoyed reading, babysitting, cleaning, cooking, knitting, basically anything that worn him out and made him sleep peacefully afterwards, without any dreams._  
  
_After all the chores that he was assigned to do, he went home and made a dinner. Even though he was tired and barely walking (with years he's grown used to the exhaustion), he quickly ate alone and escaped outside to train._  
  
_White-haired tried to run away few times, but soon he realized... he had nowhere to go. Just as he stood a few feet away from their reach. Albino's only home will be there where the abusive father treats him like shit. Each clan will be happy to slay him. He won't fit anywhere. With his disgusting white hair and red eyes?_  
  
_No, only Senju who beat him until he's unconscious on all occasions was his salvation - well, that is what they made him think at least._

* * *

_One day during "spar match" he was able to gather the courage to fight back and managed to harm Senju leader. It was a minor injury compared to what he suffered throughout all the years, still... Tobirama's never been through worse pain after that. When he recovered fully (after four months plus another one full of limping), Butsuma called him for a talk._

_Then he's been informed that he'll go to get his first battle experience._  
  
_Kawarama, Hashirama, and Itama were so excited when Tobirama informed them. They were making up the most glorious and surreal scenarios - the three would make up all sorts of ridiculous names for themselves to call like "Nature Gang" because of Tobirama resembling him a white rabbit, Hashirama's ability to use a mix of two different chakra natures as one and the Itama and Kawarama having summons (slugs for Itama and frogs for Kawarama) the other was "Brown Gang" but it was almost dismissed as soon as Itama could run from Kawarama as the other caught him on his attempt to prank him (they still have a prank war and the Senju clan shakes and Tobirama despairs as he is the one to clean up the mess and apologize every mother for what his brothers did)._

 _Tobirama shook his head with disapproval at all of those antics, though his brothers, in the end, made him join in that silly quarrel… somehow. He loved his dumb brothers._  
  
_(His idea for the team name was just a plain "Senju Brothers", he never got much chance to exhibit his "half-Senjuness"_. _Though he wasn't even sure if he actually is half-Senju as in his mother might have been from totally different clan than Senju, as she married she lost all connections to her family and forced to become a housewife... yes she's definitely not from Senju clan; and since a bastard child he's not Senju at all... huh, why did it took so long for him to realize that?)_  
  
_As soon as night fallen the four brothers, excited for what tomorrow can bring, went quickly to sleep._  
  
_But Tobirama couldn't comply. His brothers decided that they'll all sleep in Hashirama's room. As soon as the lights went out, all of them brought their mattresses, pillows, and blankets into the oldest Senju's room. Despite their excitement, they went to sleep relatively quickly._  
  
_Tobirama stared at his brothers sleeping figures. Kawarama and Itama were sleeping facing each other (they always slept directed to one another, even if they were in different rooms, Hashirama laughs that it is because they are having minds-connection thing, ah, yes, "telepathy"; but Tobirama dismisses that ridiculousness as he believes that his theory is more possible - Kawarama and Itama are just having great predispositions to become sensors and they're just so close to each other as twins that they unconsciously sense each other) and Hashirama was sprawled on the mattress, he snored and drooled, but they were all used to it. White-haired stared at his family and smiled faintly, but soon it was gone too as he remembered mournfully the question he asked his cousin "what was the war like?" - the scenarios of the bloody battle that Tōka described to him were visiting his nightmares sometimes._  
  
_Tōka Senju was yet another exception among Senju that never bullied him - sure she got violent with him for sparring and quarrels, but only because she was short-tempered, she didn't hold ill-will for him._  
  
_She was also the one to teach Tobirama to be proud of who he is and stand up to himself, but that was after the awful incident that was about to come. For the time being, Tobirama could still be considered a pushover by people inside the clan and his cousin tried to fix that with threatening to beat him up whene_ _ver he would speak lowly of himself or would say "it's nothing" when he was clearly in pain and on verge of tears. Tōka was his only relative that knew about him being the bastard child and didn't care about it (only Hashirama didn't know by now; Tobirama told Kawarama and Itama but had no courage or no heart to tell Hashirama),_  
  
_(And Tōka being such a fiery young woman was probably because she's been so closely related to Uzumaki clan - that one clan that never bowed down to anyone, of course, figuratively. They were extremly polite most of the time, either way, she 3/4 an Uzumaki, the powerful and odd clan sent her a written invitation to their lands after her father died, but a four little Senju boys cried her stay in the clan.)_  
  
_(Tobirama swore that was the very last time he's crying like this.)_  
  
_Senju Tōka was a kind of person that would show middle fingers to anybody, anytime, under the condition of making her upset. She had to go through a lot of struggles to be who she is, firstly she was a female and everybody in early days tried to make her stop being a "boyish" and prepare her to a role of a housewife, however, Tōka's father didn't have any other children to pass on his knowledge and techniques. And, he refused to raise or teach random kids, which was proposed to him - besides, teaching daughter to wield naginata was pretty popular among noble families, because, who can protect you better than the ever-faithful and loving daughter? And so the girl was taught abilities of illusion and how to wield the weapon._  
  
_Her father passed away, but the girl was more tempted to continue training than stop. She felt more like herself that way - and she fought her way out; towards freedom that was planned on being taken away. No elder would even try to bring her down to a position of a regular woman, because the last one that wanted to make a political marriage - against Tōka's will and without her knowledge about any of this at all - ended up with his body cut into two pieces by an inch thick blade._  
  
_Surely, this was frowned upon, but she struck fear into the hearts of the elders and ensured her position as princess of the clan, but not quite since she partaken in war as well. The royal families rarely did so. She ended up inspiring few young girls and before Tobirama knew it, he saw girls rebelling against their brothers, uncles and fathers and when going to get things arranged, he passed by a lot of them arguing about what a woman can and cannot._  
  
_Back on Tōka, who started learning wielding group of Yari, especially her bloody naginata, in young age and by the end puberty she was known of mastering the art of it. She named her favorite weapon in the honor of her father's memory - "Jiyū" which means "freedom", that being, because, she didn't have in regard if it was the clansmen that angered her or an enemy - they stood away from her and she would fight for what's right. And what was right for her, was to not be bounded down to a role because of not having a penis._  
  
_Demon to Senju she was, but an Angel to Tobirama. She was eight years older than the boy, and when he was brought into the world she was busy training, so he suffered the first years alone before she turned attention towards him. The death of Suiko - her favorite aunt - shattered her as much as her father's did. She lost herself in training before she realized that she had little cousins who lost a mother and turned towards them to offer comfort. Out of her little cousins, Tobirama was the only one who ran away from contact with her, she figured that he was being moody, but the abuse marks and knowledge of his origin changed her mind relatively quickly._

 _He was already used to abuse and wouldn't fight back against it even if he felt that it'd be right._  
  
_She was fifteen and he was seven when they finally met face-to-face - she was in her usual blood red attire, and he was in oversized blue clothes that didn't fit into the rest, just like his thin frame, white hair... what didn't stand out this much were his eyes (drop the color, all Uzumaki were having various colors of their eyes) they were filled with realization of that he's trash._

_She took it as a goal to make him change._

_Now she was an adult and still very disappointed in seeming lack of progress._

_And a new things o add on his list of traumas was incoming: his first experience on the battlefield. She didn't choose her words carefully when she described to him the massacre that is war._  
  
_"You can never be ready for a battle fully. Screams of agony from people you know and don't know ring in your ears for weeks- hell! Months. Years. You can go mad by just staring at the blood on your hands. Madness and irrational thinking - this is what makes a life of a Shinobi so short, it's not the body that will want to retire, but the mind. When you look at a person you've known whole your life in the pool of their own blood and know that they will never get up... it's the worst thing to witness. and also the time of the first kill, the eyes get clouded and the body goes limp. And you realize, that person... they were breathing a few minutes ago. They were happy an hour ago, or maybe they were sad, or maybe they were with their family? Maybe they had an argument? Maybe they promised something? Maybe they have a lover or a child waiting for them at home? A battle isn't a thing you can be ready for."_  
  
_Tobirama clutched his bedsheets frowning thinking about Tōka's words. He has imagined seeing the dead bodies of his loved ones before, but never on the battlefield. He remembers the first funerals he's been through. As a son of the Clan Head, he had privilege to attend them as a honorable guest and Butsuma forced him to come and view the burial. The lifeless bodies, sometimes (often) they were wrapped white that was achingly white because bodies were too massacred to be shown. The faces, the paleness... it all was a traumatic thing to witness from so close._  
  
_Butsuma's favorite way to torture him._  
  
_He closed his eyes and he saw the red sky, setting red sun, he heard the battle roars and pained yells, he could see the blood splattering, the tears rolling on cheeks and the sweat rolling down the tired figures._  
  
_Next day he hoped to not be so bad._  
  
_It wasn't going to be._  
  
_Because it was the worst._

* * *

 _When the morning came, they all rose earlier than usual and made a quick work of gathering all their belongings and went to eat breakfast. Despite the last night's excitement, his brothers expressed before, they were very tense and silent. They hadn't eat much which Tobirama pointed out as he watched them with a supposedly indifferent face, he was very worried. With a theatrical sigh, he resolved the tension._  
  
_"Just stay behind me." That riled Kawarama and Hashirama, the two exploded with 'you won't need to' and 'we'll see about that' plus 'we were at more missions than you' (those missions never did require them going into a battlefield, only fetching letters, checking on the civilians and helping them fetch their arrangements, babysitting some rich man's children) and Tobirama stuffed rice into his mouth forcing a smug expression on his face. What he felt isn't important._

_Hashirama joined in trying to stop them from fighting by nearly sobbing, the whole quarrel stopped as Butsuma entered the room to both silence them and inform them that the time for eating is finished. Tobirama, automatically, moved to stand up and clean after his brothers and himself when Butsuma told him to leave it and follow him._

_A cold hand wrapped around his heart and squeezed and other young Senjus present in the dining room noticed this. Itama jumped to his feet blurting out the question Tobirama asked himself quietly in back of his mind._

_"Father? Have you changed your mind?" Itama asked with his hands locked together on his chest._

_"Silence." A strict utterance of these words makes the boy recall his position in the family and clan, much below his father. Too far for Itama to speak to Clan Head like that. "Itama, Kawarama, clean up after the meal." Butsuma motions his hand dismissevly at the twins and then calls out to the oldest son. "Hashirama, you're coming too."_

_Then he left the room with Tobirama and Hashirama following him._  
  
_Tobirama, for the first time in his life, got to wield real weapon and armor. They were a bit lighter than what he used to train with. Hashirama was sent to assist him in dressing the armor and clipping the katana's belt around the thin waist. It also soothed Tobirama, the presence of Hashirama, someone who hadn't known yet of Butsuma's doings and wasn't meant to know. Hashirama was kind-hearted fool who would do anything for his brothers, and it's best for Butsuma, for him to not be aware of Tobirama's situation._

_Especially, when he has such powerful Mokuton he needs to learn to control more precisely in assets._

_Tobirama is aware of how to put on weapon and armor on himself so on the bigger part, Hashirama is talking to his brother to reassure him that it won't be that bad and that it is something that one can get used to, as horrible as it is. The white-haired Senju isn't very comfortable with all the words that are said by someone as goofy and peaceful on daily basis as Hashirama. He realizes that his older brother's suffering a lot too._

_He finishes up dressing dismissing the thoughts by putting a practical decoration on his face. Instead of helmet or headband, he got a faceplate to keep hair out of his face and partly protect his head. The faceplate was had a clear marking of Senju Clan. From now on everybody who will see him, will see what kind of clan is in possession of him. They won't see a child, but a warrior. Like rest of the equipment, it's light to not slow him down… but it feels so heavy. He's never been allowed to wear anything with the emblem of his clan before. Years ago, it'd be a reason to be so proud._  
  
_He still stood out, there were plenty of Senjus with a light coloring of hair, but he was purely white. Pure white skin and hair, scary red eyes and also his armor. The most common kind of armors' coloring was red, black and brown, and there he was, dressed in blue._  
  
_Blue was not a usual color..._  
  
_Aside from the sword that's lighter than what he trained with somehow feeling heavy as thousands of rocks, he got a small bag filled with kunai knives snf explosive tags that lately became more popular and been recently imported from Uzushio lands._  
  
_Tobirama had a bitter thought while staring down at himself in a water's reflection as they went forward to the arranged battefield.`He thought, that no matter what situation, they'll always find a way to make him stand out from the rest._  
  
_But it's not like he can do anything about it._

* * *

 _Tobirama walked next to his brothers towards the battlefield, just like dozens of Senju did too. His eyes looked right and left. He felt the dread build up and crawl up his spine as the most of the older ones were holding a tired and resigned look. But there was something that drove them onward, what was it? Fear? Hate? Want of vengeance? Because love and want of glory it wasn't. Only the younglings held that look and smirk on their faces, the older ones didn't._  
  
_'When did that war began?' He wondered. Some adults silencing the children and teenagers who got carried away in their conversations and managed to joke._  
  
_It was going to be one of the worst fights Senju has suffered not (fully) out of Uchiha clan's hands._  
  
_Tobirama was whole shaken, but he closed it all inside and sealed away._  
  
_They came out from the forest into clearing._

_One moment he was looking at a group of people who like them, came in a messy group. They reached out for the weapons and waited a small moment slowly drawing the weapons out before rushing into the direct clash. The braver ones of children and veteran adults has rushed forward to meet them. In another moment, as if in slow motion, a huge of kunai knives has came from very close to where the majority of Senju stayed unmoved at killing almost everyone who rushed forward._

_The enemy - Hagoromo clan - set a trap by incuding Uchihas in the fight to surprise the ones who abandoned the group too early. Tobirama swore he saw that red-white fan on the purple coats. He turns to his brothers wih one gaze commanding them to stay close._

_Before he could realize it, he deflected one, two, three, and more knives than he could count at the speed they were coming at him. Then, involuntarily, a counter attack came from him and he held a weapon drenched in blood. His heartbeat went slow as he saw the blood trickle down the blade to stain the oversized sleeves of his blouse when he pulled out the katana. Coming back to the right senses, he looked around to search for his brothers - when did they got out of his reach?_

_He hated losing control of the situation._

_He found Itama and Hashirama in the back of the group, they retreated, they were - aside from the visible shock which is understable, this wasn't meant to happen, - alright, but where was...?_  
  
_In the next moment, he realized that he feels a huge pain in the chest as he hears shriek that is so familiar but sounds nothing near that it would be sounding on daily basis. Fear surged through that scream rather than joy and laughter. Looking to the right, again, he saw like in slow motion, the lost sibling fall to the ground. Blood drained from his face making him paler than usual._  
  
_Kawarama then scrambled up to his feet and split up from the group and what followed followed, was more than one person._

 _Tobirama without thinking he followed after. He split up against all the logic and tactic in his head._  
  
_Whenever he recalls this moment in future his first thought will be - "It all happened so fast" - then his head will remember the dizziness and the knot he had in his stomach when he saw Kawarama covered in blood, not his... not **yet** his. The terrified dark eyes threatening to stab more of the opponents but clearly knowing he's going to die if nobody helps him._  
  
_Tobirama_ _attacked an adult from the behind when he least expected it. Quickly. The red-eyed boy finished him off not caring for anything but the one he saved from dying - for a moment Kawarama would live longer. Tobirama nearly dropped katana and ran up to Kawarama's side if he hadn't known better, if he wasn't taught better. They were still overrun, even if it was two of them. But with each other, they were at least a bit reassured._

 _They wanted to live longer and so they fought on._  
  
_But they were just children against adults, it was impossible for them to win._  
  
_When he heard that shriek that haunted him for months, he dropped the whatever blood-drenched weapon he clutched onto and took a look at Kawarama._

 _All the insticts died as he felt a cold squeeze on his heart seeing a rather large gash beginning above the collarbone and ending and deepening at Kawarama's navel quickly filling up with blood turning the clothes red. When did Kawarama lose his armor even? Tobirama had no hope of recovering those bits of fight. He hurried over to falling brother and grabbed his body. He dug his pale fingers into brother's flesh. Frightened, he and dragged him up close. White-haired Senju cleaned face that was becoming paler with each second passing from the dirt and blood._  
  
_Tears ran down his cheeks and he screamed out to his brother to:_  
  
_"Don't fall asleep." His pale hand tilted Kawarama's head to look him in the eyes. Kawarama's face was whiter than Tobirama's at this point. His voice kept rising pitch and choking up more on words through tears. With pain, he remembered that Kawarama would always say that his oddness makes him wonderfully amazing - he'd scoff at that and roll eyes, but those words... they made him strong at his weakest._ _"Don't die on me." His liquid sadness flew down his cheeks and dropped on the body that was starting to feel heavier in his arms with each passing second. Heart wrenched as Kawarama's eyes went clouded and he twitched with agony... but it was all over soon, he couldn't feel anything anymore. He had only those few last, brief breathes._ _"Look in my eyes..." Tobirama whimpered quietly his hand clenching on his brother's clothing. His heart stopped pounding in his chest as slow as a languid cat. Suddenly it all began going back to a normal pace and without looking up he knew he's never been so close to dying. His sensory skills screamed out for him to be alerted. His will to live even though, severely damaged - told him to move on. He still had people to protect._  
  
_The Bastard Child was surrounded within his brother's corpse in arms._  
  
_His thoughts went loud and messy, it all was just a big disaster; big, great disarray._  
  
**_I'm going to die..._ **  
  
_More tears ran down his pale, thin face._  
  
**_Though... If it means that Kawarama will stay with me..._ **  
  
_Then he heard Kawarama say with his last breath:_  
  
**_"I love you, big brother..."_ **  
  
_"Big brother"... it was a mockery actually._

_Itama and Kawarama would call him a "big brother" because he acts - as they would call it - "motherly"._

_He pretended it annoyed him, but actually he had no problems with it. With those last words... he was gone. The body went limp in his arms. Eleven-year-old relaxed his muscles and brought the corpse closer and whispered softly caressing the little sibling's face with tenderness._  
  
**_"I love you too Kawarama."_ **  
  
_One of the men slid the blade closer to Tobirama's vital point. The click of armor played of the Senju's nerves as he held the corpse closer._

 **_No, I don't want to die yet._ **  
  
_"This is the way the world of war is, kid." Without any emotion showed on the face, he raised katana to kill the boy with a storm of white as snow hair, however... He hesitated. His nerves tingled, years of experience told him to hold back._  
  
_"Just do it already." Tobirama spat out those words with anger behind his voice. But there were also unspoken ones **'I dare you.'** ringed in dead silence and then the blade began falling._  
  
_Nobody could ever call Tobirama slow. He was the fastest person among his kins. He put Kawarama's body gently on the ground and turned around to face his... theirs enemies._  
  
_**One if front of me... Five in the bushes... three nearby as a backup... Seems like everybody is already retreating positions hoping to make a quick work of us and go gather the payment from Hagoromo clan… their numbers are... were, too big for us...** His mind raced as he then looked at the falling sword, **I'm not going to avoid it.** The blade dropped to sink into his flesh. Red eyes narrowed and the whole situation looked for young Senju like a slow-motioned film. He grabbed the sword and clutched it tight._  
  
_Blood trickled down his wrist, it dripped down from the blade. The pain was dulled by adrenaline and rush of power._  
  
_Tobirama was focused on chakra around him and his own. His own was getting more and more lively as his unused anger, regret, guilt, and sadness built up further._  
  
_All the cruelty was so unnecessary. It **sickened** Tobirama. _  
  
_Chakra aura began to freely flow out of the boy as he clenched his jaw and used it to enhance his strength and throw off the man. He pushed the blade away and quickly armed himself with a kunai before the man got into the hang of the situation there was a weapon driven deep into his throat._  
  
_It was just like Tōka said indeed._  
  
_Feelings of confusion filled his senses with madness. The body fell down and he went down with it. The splatter of blood when he pulled the kunai knife out covered his hair, face, and clothes._  
  
_He needs to do what he did best - lie to himself. Dull everything shut down his emotions impact on his doings._  
  
_Aside from those two seconds, he didn't wait to strike again. Like a freed beast that was caged for a long time._  
  
_Tobirama began forming hand signs for the technique he created himself - he needs to work on it a lot because it takes too much time and he needs to get much faster. Next moment his opponents had to dodge massive water ball coming their way. He got out a kunai knives with explosive tags attached to them and threw them at his enemies. They were surprised, they let their guard down, they died._  
  
_Tobirama looked at his hands that he used to compare to snow because of the paleness, but now, they were drenched in blood. Something was telling him, that the blood will stay there._  
  
**_He doesn't think it's his color._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 02/27/2019 fixed it and I now know what was meant by the "bad grammar" omg jesus christ I do understand now


	2. Tekishutsushi no Kodomo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Title Meaning: "Bastard Child"
> 
> here you go another chapter :D

_When the feelings dropped, the tears formed in his eyes again. He recalled the Shinobi code, it hurt like hell, but he couldn't break it anymore. He's supposed to be stronger than this. Taking a deep breath he let two tears fall, but quickly he wiped them away and turned to Kawarama's corpse. He swallowed against the dry throattrying to not scream in agony. He hesitantly made his way over and picked up the body. From what he knew, Kawarama was once held hostage by the enemy - that's where his scar on right cheek came from. The enemy was in the middle of interrogating him when a saving to the boy came._

_His heart was soft and he had an easy smile, now he was limp and his face expressionless. He was so warm few minutes ago. So, so warm. He felt so weak and scared and hurt. He was so lonely, lonely like never, ever before. Tobirama swallowed few more tears and started walking with the brother's already cold blood staining his clothes._  
  
_Tobirama walked back to Senju._  
  
_He had no idea that he'd pass up on a perfect opportunity to run away from a life of abuse._  
  
_He's going to pass up more without realizing that._  
  
_He brought dead Kawarama back and held stone, cold face as Itama and Hashirama ran up. Their expressions - joyful to see their brothers well - soon to be broken by unevitable realization. The group of remaining Senjus who stayed in the back gathered up to escape and called back the ones who weren't too far into fight. There was no way they would survive if they allow themself to lock in he combat with both Hagoromo and Uchiha at once. Tobirama's heart lost its beat realizing that they're leaving combrats on the battlefield because they were out of hear range thanks to the whole amok that without, they wouldn't make it out though.  
_

_Cruelty of war wasn't meant to hit him that fast._

_Or maybe it was supposed to hit him earlier even… He was running late with all the missions. He was meant to run errands four years earlier. He's only eleven and he's already overwhelmed by it all, what would it be like for him if he was in younger mindset than this?_

* * *

_Tobirama went to the house he knew too well - Senju's morgue. First time Butsuma took him here was when saying that if he's no use, he'll end up here (he used to think that Butsuma meant that he was going to serve the owner and help to identify bodies)._

_He hadn't been sleepless for a long while, for a long while he hadn't stayed up all night thinking about death. Today, surely, he will._  
  
_Carrying Kawarama to the morgue felt the same like seven years ago when Butsuma dragged him there to bring his mother's body on that metal table to get a burial clothing._  
  
_(He nearly vomited six times that day, now is no better for him.)_  
  
_He left the body identified as Kawarama and went home._

_Tobirama never felt so worn out. While going through the huge home, he had "pleasure" of passing Butsuma who nearly smiled at the weariness written on the pale face._

_Tobirama hadn't even bothered to be afraid of the Clan Head and without a word he passed him. Not even a bow or anything. Not a single act of acknowledgement. Under the excuse of cleaning weapons, clothes, himself and armor he spent hours alone sobbing quietly. He mourned for that short while and never again he cried over Kawarama willingly like then. The red-eyed boy made sure he looked unbothered by the things that happened._

* * *

_The night before funeral Tobirama held his brothers as they cried into his shoulders. It's been days and they couldn't get themselves together. White-haired patted their heads wanting to cry along, but couldn't. He had to support them, he needs to be someone they can rely on._  
  
_So he didn't cry at all. He denied the tears and the broken heart._

 _"Come on you two, dry your tears and silence your sobs. When Butsuma will walk in on us not sleeping he'll give us a good beating." Thin and frail boy soothed his brothers. He knew though, he knew that they won't be quiet anytime soon. And it is not their fault, it is his fault. He couldn't protect Kawarama like he should. He hadn't realized he could meet consequences for that until after the burial ceremony. He - as a bastard son - was meant to be worth of protecting with everything he was, the Clan Head and his (eventually hers) family._  
  
_"Tobi... I just can't... It was Kawa... It was Kawa..." Hashirama whimpered in the pale shoulder and nuzzled trying to hide his face. "Kawa didn't deserve to die! He was a kid like us... We're all just kids!"_  
  
_"Now, now. Your crying is pathetic and foolish. People die every day. Whether it's natural or murder." His words harsh, but his voice calm and heart-warming. He spoke softly. "But it is true, he shouldn't die this quick, he shouldn't die by murder. Yet, that's what happened."_  
  
_"Tobi? Did you love Kawa?" Itama questioned making the pale boy tense up. Did he love Kawarama? **Oh God,** they don't even have an idea **how much,** they have no idea how much **he loves them.**_  
  
_"Of course I did, Itama. I do love him still." Tobirama replied after a pause. He really wants to cry._  
  
_"Why aren't you crying too then?"_

 _ **Oh God, Itama, do I want to…** he thinks in anguish staring into his brother's face._ _**But I cannot.** Was stuck in his throat. **I don't remember how to.** In answer to their question, he only shook his head holding them tighter, his chest clenching in pain as his mind flooded with memories. Crying always made the pain more bearable, especially when somebody held him while he was crying. But he has nobody he can turn to and cry out his heart._

 _He doesn't trust anyone enough._  
  
_"The whiteness of the clouds left behind by a plane…" Tobirama slowly uttered trying to remember the melody of the lullaby he has heard from his mother. "Draw a line across the blue sky... Always, no matter where always continuing... As if it knew tomorrow." Hashirama began to ease up and looked at Tobirama with light disbelief, was his brother really trying to sing them a lullaby? The perfect soldier of Butsuma Senju? "In my chest, I breathed in a shallow breath, I remember the breeze that blew on my hot cheek…" The words passed through pale lips slowly as the young Senju tried to not stutter, tried to not shake. "The hands and feet which are bound before the future are freed by a quiet voice… So nostalgic that I want to scream out, is… One life, the midsummer light… At your shoulder, swaying, the sunbeams streaming through the leaves…" Itama pulls away from the hug, the red eyes land on the Kawarama's twin that sends him a light smile and joins in with his shaky voice and the two say/sing/recite along._  
  
_"The white ball at rest, the petals which have been scattered by the wind, the invisible river which carries both singing while flowing on. Secrets and lies and joy, are the children of the gods who created this universe." Hashirama out of his three brothers had the darkest hair and looked the most like his father. He wiped his tears as his heart swollen with sadness. "The heart which is bound before the future. Someday, will remember its name, so loved that I want to scream out, is one life, the place to return to… At my fingertips, the summer day which doesn't disappear." Itama breaks crying again clenching hand on his heart and Tobirama continues alone again hugging his brothers tightly to his chest._  
  
_"The heart which is bound before the future... Someday, will remember its name... so loved that I want to scream out... is one life, the place to return to… At my fingertips, the summer day which doesn't disappear."_  
  
_Hashirama couldn't remember the last time he has heard this lullaby, he can't remember... he can't remember mother's voice, he barely can make out her face in his memory. **Oh God,** he was such a bad son. Is he going to **forget** Kawarama's voice? Is he going to **forget** how he looked like?! It lied heavy on his heart. What if **Tobirama** dies? **Itama?** What will he do when **he'll be the only left?**_

* * *

_He was buried._

_It was done._

_Tobirama watched the grave and thought about the rush of power, anger and after he killed those men... he felt relief. It horrified him._  
  
_The relief was brief and made the pang in his heart grow bigger._  
  
_**This is it.** The revenge is a drug that even strongest man can become addicted to._  
  
_Was he going mad already?_  
  
_Tobirama watched Itama being scolded - the boy, that later on, admitted that with the burial of Kawarama, his twin, he felt like his half was lost - helplessly, getting angry on Butsuma, the man rebuked Itama for crying on his brother's grave. It was **not okay to not cry.** _  
  
_And, as usual, Hashirama said his thoughts out loud while Tobirama kept them to himself. The eldest son said that it's all foolish for children like Kawarama to fight, that they aren't suited for it all, that the only ones fighting should be adults, and if they're short on them, they should give up the fight. His older brother got slapped for that. Red-eyed never wanted to attract Butsuma's attention on himself, but he also doesn't want to his brothers get hurt, so he stepped in Butsuma's way, despite his body screaming at him to not do this._  
  
_His arms stretched out in a protective way. Butsuma didn't hate his sons, but he hated Tobirama._  
  
_Tobirama felt fear but held it under his facade that was sure and daringly looking into angry dark brown eyes._  
  
_He knows what will Butsuma do to him soon for that bold jump, but if it kept him away from hurting Hashirama's ideals that were only things left from mother, he's going to endure the pain._

 _There was one more thing relieving about the whole thing, Kawarama unlike mother was properly buried. Well, there was a difference between Kawarama and mother in public eyes, Kawarama was a brave soldier who gave his life on the battlefield (he was twelve years old and sent off to battle adults who are three times his size and age, this is not something to be proud of!) and mother was a... a woman who wasn't faithful and gave a birth to bastard child._  
  
_How mother was buried was a long story, he can't tell anybody._

 _After a few moments of awkward silence, all of them were let go. Tobirama was surprised, Butsuma normally would make him stay to beat him up for insubordination. But there he was sitting on the same rock as Itama and Hashirama talking about how Kawarama's death was meaningless. Tobirama hid the bitterness in his heart as he agreed with his older brother. The white-haired scolded Itama for saying that their enemy needs to be punished for the deaths that happened._  
  
_**I already did avenge Kawarama.** Tobirama thought bitterly. **I am almost sure that somebody will come to avenge their deaths.** Those were his thoughts when he separated from his brothers to train. Ruby colored eyes looked up to the dawn that was pink, orange - no signs of blue yet. But he knows that the blue will come. He shivered as the autumn wind howled coldly._  
  
_His eyes itched again, just like the night before. He blinked the tears away and composed his feelings while going through the Senju clan grounds. He felt gaze on his back, heavy as always. It made his heart rile up with rage. Don't they have better things to do? He wanted to lash out at them to stop staring or just basically kill him already if he's such a burden, but that would only cause him pain._  
  
_Lashing out in anger was useless, it could only do harm._  
  
_Tobirama began walking slower and he rubbed his cheek wiping a tear away. The boy then took off. Albino ran blindly not caring where he's going. After a moment he suppressed his tears and instead he smiled to himself, he smiled remembering how angry his father was when he stood up to him. There were hidden sadness and anger in that malicious smile, but also a sick satisfaction dripping down from it._  
  
_If he just knew that was the exact same look his mother loved to see._  
  
_Calming his breath down he turned towards home._

**_What to make for dinner tonight?_ **

* * *

_The white-haired knew that out of all people, closest to Kawarama was Itama. They were best friends before they were even born, so no wonder._

_After they went home, the two wandered into Kawarama's room looking for any sort of comfort in it. Yet, found none. Hashirama wasn't with them, because father took him out for a talk. Tobirama was never worried when he did that to his brothers, Butsuma had no intentions of hurting them, unlike to him._  
  
_Tobirama looked over at his little remaining brother and questioned:_  
  
_"Was it worth it?"_  
  
_"Huh?"_  
  
_"Painting your hair white? Was it worth it?"_  
  
_"Tobirama, if it makes you stop feeling lonely, I'd do that every day. Even if it upsets father, it brings a smile to your face." The boy gave him a smile that was too familiar to Kawarama's and Tobirama couldn't help but hug Itama tightly. Tears prickilng at his eyes, when another person will get to see him cry? He doesn't know._  
  
_Half of Itama's head was white - it wasn't a thing he was born with. He dyed his hair this way. That's a story though for another time, it greatly upsetted Butsuma, so Tobirama discouraged his brother from repeating the action he had taken. Yet, he couldn't stop smiling more often at his brother ever since._

* * *

_Tobirama couldn't sleep again. He looked over at Hashirama. Whenever Tobirama tries to close his heavy eyelids he sees Kawarama crying. He hates seeing his brothers cry, that's why his mind pulls out crying Kawarama imagine in front of his face rather than his deathly pale face. Because in death, he found release from the cruel world and could join their mother. Tobirama calls that being lucky._

_"Tobi..." He blinked surprised as he heard Itama's voice._  
  
_"Itama? What's the matter?"_  
  
_"So you're having trouble sleeping too?" Itama smiled in the darkness to himself. The moonlight gave enough brightness to see._  
  
_"Apparently, Itama. What's wrong?"_  
  
_"If I died... you wouldn't cry for me?"_  
  
_"Of course-" he stuttered. **I wouldn't.** He realized slight horror spread on his facial expression as he did. "No. I'd stay composed and soothe Hashirama. I would feel the need to stay silent and if Hashirama would die also... I would try to keep myself together because... once I would start..." The albino swallowed feeling his chest grow tighter and the pauses between the uttered words grown longer. "I wouldn't ever stop."_  
  
_"Why couldn't you?"_  
  
_"I..."_

_"…either way, I think you're strong…"_

* * *

Tobirama studied scrolls of hand signs and nature-based techniques. Lately, he has become interested in sealing techniques. He's glad that he has someone like Tōka - that is in close relations to the Uzumaki clan which specializes in those and he can get one or two scrolls about fūinjutsu. She has a huge library at home and she's maybe not as much glad to find Tobirama sleeping in that room in unhealthy for his back sitting position, as she is when she finds that all her chores are done for her.  
  
She often lets the white-haired stay at home for the nights she knows Butsuma will either bully his son or go to train. She lets him relax and release all the negatives he feels, trains her little cousin with weapons. The young female knows however that her cousin prefers to seek relief closer to nature than the compound. Once she made a dumb mistake and not woken Tobirama when the Clan's Head came back and the man searched for Tobirama stating he was "concerned" about his "son".  
  
After that red-eyed came back with one eye covered by bandages and his thumbs twisted. The white-haired tried to brush it off as a bad landing during training control over his chakra at his feet, Tōka called bullshit on that. She knows nobody better at the controlling chakra than Tobirama. She's more than happy to go up to the man and tear him apart, limb from limb, but then the power over the clan will go on her - briefly because until Hashirama becomes strong enough to fight her and defeat her (and honestly, it'll happen sooner than anybody anticipates, Tōka knows) - but she's no leader, she'd make Senju clan fall overnight.  
  
She hates Butsuma but still cannot think of a way to make Tobirama less miserable.  
  
Either way, lately, a crazy little inventor that is a cousin of hers has been spending more and more hours in her house. Apparently, the young Senju was planning on creating his own great techniques. Sure, first he'll train it, then he'll name it. Tōka's concerned, because Tobirama doesn't know a word "boundaries", he thinks if the theory isn't looking like it's impossible and unreasonable in at least 80% so he can accomplish it. And it has had disastrous results, but he'd blame it on his brothers' prank war to escape punishments (well he cannot anymore, or so he thought until Tōka got pranked by Itama, that poor little dork runs for his life since then whenever he sees his cousin).  
  
Also, Hashirama's going to be excluded during the naming the technique ceremony - Tōka knows from experience. Everybody knows that the heir of Senju clan is a dork, and thus he'll probably end up giving it a ridiculous name and somehow convince to let it become the actual one.  
  
Albino found inventing as a fascinating and exciting thing to do, soon after studying from right books he knew "how to's" and basics of how the world worked, he became theorizing and checking things by himself - he used to consult it with Tōka, but not anymore (thus was until he burned a hole into her floor and was blocked from the access for a month; he got himself his storage scroll and used it as a portable laboratory). Making theories and gathering facts to back them up soon became the thing more important than even training. Tobirama would spend whole of his free time on it.  
  
Unfortunately for him, Butsuma noticed his natural sensor skills and put pressure on him. Natural Born Sensor was a rare thing, and Senju Clan might've been abusive towards a Bastard Child - but not stupid about the benefits he could offer. If a bastard child trains his potential well, he might become the greatest ninja sensor that the whole world will ever know, and that is too much good to pass on.  
  
Tobirama actually went already through all the scrolls about the sensing chakra, anatomy of chakra, puppetry, how the chakra flowed through the body, how it changed under pressure of emotions, about its origins, the legends, the myths, about the natures (that one he got into his hands when he was actually a little boy and water became one with him by this point) - all of it, however, nobody needed to know that.  
  
Tobirama was actually embarrassed by that, Hashirama sometimes called him a huge "nerd" because of it, as well as many kids would (sure there were worse names than that but still Tobirama stopped talking about the books he has read with Hashirama and channeled to ranting about them with Itama who unlike oldest out of them really liked to listen to Tobirama and said to him that whoever is going to get married to him is going to be very lucky. Same to his future kids, because Tobirama not only loves babysitting but teaching as well, Itama says that his future nieces and nephews will be the smartest in the world).  
  
Tobirama pretended that his progress was much slower than in reality, all the things that he's supposed to do, he showed only when they were on verge of beating him. Albino discovered that Butsuma actually couldn't tell the difference in when he's pretending and when he's actually trying. White-haired didn't realize that his face was by that time as cold and as hard as stone.  
  
The stone that sometimes terrified the bravest.  
  
Red eyes were washed out of childish innocence and ignorance to the reality. Those eyes weren't only bloody from the shed crimson liquid he saw when he was too little to understand anything, it was also from all those times he's been hurt and cried himself to sleep.  
  
Being broken is hard.

* * *

Red eyes scanned another scroll and sighed disappointedly. There goes again the exact same copy of the last one but with a different title - seems like he'll have to make research on his own (again). Lately, the scrolls and books seemed as if they were all the same. Not everything can be found in the books. He was trying to get to know more about other chakra natures from those that weren't familiar to his clan (water and earth this began annoying him). He was trying to help Hashirama discover the borders of his Mokuton (the name he was the one to come up with, it was the most amazing thing he has come in touch with, the two chakra natures mixed and created something new). Mokuton was a mix of water and earth chakra and the result of it was that it appeared in form of wood.  
  
That amazed young skinny boy that personally began to theorize how to use it and what's it capable of. He and Hashirama got closer when they experimented - close enough for Tobirama to consider telling him about how he's hurting.

* * *

Months, years have slipped past their fingers; after Itama's death neither of them could be idle and they lost themselves in dreaming and training because inactivity would only make them drown in the negative feelings. They had to move forward - together or not. (Though, they'd rather go on together) The thin and frail boy turned into a young prodigy teen that started to terrify the Senju elderly. The crimson red in his eyes was always cold but lately, it has been reaching out of the scale. If there were any naiveness and innocence, it was very, very deeply buried. Or so they thought actually. Tobirama wasn't that hard to amuse actually. Though... his humor very much changed.  
  
Butsuma started giving both of them more free time as in he couldn't afford to lose any more sons - especially in times he had still no wife.  
  
Mostly it's disapproved for one to get married twice in clans like Uzumaki or Senju, they definitely were more after one life-long relationship (divorces were only viewed as wrong). However, exceptions were made. Butsuma began the search at this point and it took him over seven years to get the agreement settled.  
  
The time was getting rougher for the Clan's Head. During the hardest days being absolute, ruthless, relentless, inexorable and uncompromising - even towards his own children - gave Butsuma respect and clansmen - a feeling that he's in control of the events. But the fights started to calm down as the days became definitely colder than ever. One of the worst winters was coming up and everybody could feel it, nobody wanted to risk it and they started getting ready for the one war that no human can win - against nature - but they can survive. Butsuma had to focus on the gaining resources for his clan to endure the winter and that the other clans were sabotaging them wasn't helping at all. Furthermore, he had also to slow down with lashing out his anger on Tobirama, the boy is growing stronger with every month that passes and Butsuma considers on sending some members to spy on him if he doesn't try to get back at all the years he has been under abuse.  
  
The fights lessened, and so, The Leader of The Senju had to start making compromises - it wasn't pleasant for him. Also, some of the clan members started disapproving the decisions of the leader, silently, but still. It was all in the air.

* * *

Tōka would drag Tobirama around more often to train with her. She was one of the strongest women in the clan, which got her very busy often so excusing herself to train was a convenient way to get some free bonding time with her little cousin. She was barely in the early twenties and yet she was known for her beauty and as well as strength (and mastering cutting balls off and/or making the men cry in fear). She's partly Uzumaki - and she took a lot after her Uzumaki mother - so wasn't weird that angered Senju woman was as frightening as the Demon Fox that is told to live in great caves nearby Uchiha Clan.  
  
Sure as a little girl her strict, sharp and cold face, was chubby and round. Tōka was glad that the Tobirama hasn't quite grown out of the yearning for attention. Even as almost thirteen-year-old he got something left from the sense of humor (even if it could be a very, very dark one and dangerous) and from time to time he smiled.  
  
Tōka wasn't maybe the best influence on Tobirama, she wasn't at all a well-behaved a young woman (she would put her elbows on the table while eating, she would openly yawn and blow her nose in public [both in Japan culture are classified very rude when someone is talking], she also wasn't afraid to cut in somebody's sentence or send someone away with rude words like "kindly fuck off please") Her sense of justice was controlled by only one rule that was called "harm for harm".  
  
Brown-haired Senju that liked wear makeup strong wasn't blind to Tobirama's suffering. She'd chase after the kids she saw bully the white-haired boy and give them hell - of course, without the bullied boy knowing. If red-eyed beauty (as she called him sometimes from his indecision on whether he would prefer to date a female or a male; the girl would "gently" nudge he little cousin towards reading the romance novels about homosexual couples and heterosexual ones, Tōka's just amused with how Tobirama gets flustered and stutters) would know, he'd scold her and said that it's nothing and it could be worse.  
  
It upset her but the best way to help her little cousin was to make Tobirama unaware of "justice" she's giving away to his abusers. But there were some acts that white-haired participated in (after the Senju twins death people thought that the prank wars were over - to put in a soft way... they were pretty much wrong about it).  
  
(In the end, the bullies after some time decided it's not worth to get their bones broken and kindly "fucked off" from Tobirama.)

* * *

Tobirama had decided to train on the Naka river his chakra control. Not too far away from the Senju clan grounds, but not very close either.  
  
It going to be his first time trying to walk on this river since he used to visit small lakes and streams. Never on anything bigger than that. Now, with those getting too easy for him, a wild river seemed like a perfect challenge to face. Plus the books aren't any more tempting (he read a lot more that one would suspect, plus for a while he has enough of all the novels that Tōka has been shoving into his arms and in middle of his book lists that are sorted as well as every young princess's dresses and dolls) When Tobirama arrived at the spot he smiled to himself.  
  
"It is a perfect spot to train."  
  
Well, actually the stream here wasn't all that wild and the water wasn't deep, but it was a good start. If it gets too easy he can go always upstream.  
  
Tobirama knows that battle or an ambush can happen everywhere and it's best to be ready for fighting on water as well as on the ground.  
  
Senju wants to prove himself - that he can teach them something too but knew that this is still a childish dream for now.  
  
But he's going to make it true.  
  
He trained silently and carefully to not show any signs of his passion to science he waited to gather enough material (that unknown to him, Tōka was actually often reading, because how in the hell he comes up with those theories and how he proves them to be true? - she wanted to know and couldn't stop reading as she started understanding more things about the world thanks to Tobirama she could make her genjutsu more realistic making it for the trapped harder to tell apart from reality).  
  
White-haired stayed unmoved on water not daring to take a step forward yet. Once, Tobirama fell into the lake because of Hashirama. And naturally the thing he has done next was to go home to change, but what was unnatural was the thing that happened when he was noticed...  
  
Red-eyed shook his head ridding out the painful memory. Staring into the water that reflected his face he took a shaky step on the water and checked if his foot is indeed stable on the water. Red eyes lit up with satisfaction and a small smile blossomed on boy's features. Taking more steps he began to walk casually from time to time tripping. The uncertain walk became a run and flips. Tobirama focused his chakra to hands and walked on hands his smile growing with excitement wider. In end, he runs there and back again from shore to shore. It isn't easy to keep the same level of chakra, but training makes it easy. Nodding to self in satisfaction, Tobirama went to training he planned on getting done today.  
  
Enough of goofing around with chakra focus.  
  
Red-eyed got off the water and settled on the shore and focused his chakra making a Ushi hand seal.  
  
He let his chakra integrate with surroundings and sweat began appearing as he started to shape it. Next one, Saru hand seal. Quick two seals - Hare, Ne. When he opened his eyes there was a shape in front of him made of water - he's almost done! I, Tori, Ushi, Uma, Tori, Ne. The boy's smiles grew more excited and wide. Tora, Inu. He closed his eyes and sharpened the edges of his chakra mixed with atoms of water. Tora, Mi. About to open his eyes to see his work -Ushi, Ramu, I- he jerked as he heard a loud splash that startled him, he quickly got away from the huge shower and with relief he noted that his clothes would get dry in few moments so when he decides to go home, he's not going to have a repeat of that scenario.  
  
Someone... disturbed him and losing complete focus cost him losing what he's been working on.  
  
A frown darkened his features and Tobirama felt helpless anger again. Pale fists clenched as he grabbed few rocks. His helpless anger was overshadowed his curiosity - that later on, he cursed very heavily.  
  
He was too curious, nosy sometimes even. Then he heard loud splashes and cursing and it irked Tobirama further. Nor walking on water wasn't easy, neither was technique including controlling element if not trained in peace. He needs to be able to perfect it in peace so before he can use it on the battlefield effectively. Couldn't the person go somewhere else to be noisy? Tobirama decided not to bother the person (for first) that was about ten-fifteen meters away from him.  
  
Well, he can train a bit his sensory skills a bit if he's not going to train his new technique. Taking a deep breath, he focused his chakra on the person a few meters away. Someone who was a bit taller than he was - which he calculated from the amount of chakra and focusing more he was able to outline the body. Judging by how it was controlled and tainted with usage - the person not so far away was a Shinobi. That the boy's aura was older - meaning experience. Yes, it was a boy. Woman body outline would contain... you know breasts and... it would contain a bit more meekness (Tōka surprisingly has the meekness in the chakra too despite being the scariest woman he knows her chakra is less aggressive than Hashirama's, who was a goof with a big smile).  
  
White-haired didn't risk it by letting the person get too close and giving a chance to hurt him. He stood up and turned to go home. He may be called a coward, but his best way to survive was to play it safe. On average in his age kids were joining their parents on the battlefield - not angering them was important to survive.  
  
But earlier on I mentioned that Tobirama cursed his curiosity.  
  
Instead of going home as he would, he decided to turn around and meet the opposite shore companion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can relate to all the versions of Tobirama that are book worms - I when I was 11 years old got an award from my teacher for reading almost 100 books in one year.  
> Reading is awesome.
> 
> The song that Tobirama's singing is "Inochi no Namae"  
> English Title: The Name of Life  
> Performed by: Kimura Yumi  
> Lyrics by: Kaku Wakako  
> Composed by: Hisaishi Joe
> 
> source: https://www.animethemesongs.com/spirited-away/inochi-no-namae  
> sooo :p


	3. Hmpf!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara is totally >not< startled by the thin and pale boy with blood red eyes that comes out of nowhere and with anger tainting his voice demands to know his name
> 
> And Tobirama is totally >not< rude to the boy that's on the opposite shore
> 
> Today the chapter will be a bit loose, lots of dialouge

His opposite shore companion could be all but quiet.  
  
Tobirama cursed his curiosity.  
  
Instead of going home as he would- as he should, he decided to turn around and meet the opposite shore companion.  
  
Well, word, "meet" wasn't the best description, more like "spy" but the ruby-eyed boy did not like that term.  
  
With all the noise the intruder was making, it wasn't hard to sneak up on him. He must've been so sure he's all alone in those woods. Bleach white boy would smirk, only if he felt like it, but honestly, he's just imagining what his clan would do to the boy if he's not a civilian kid (he's sure that he isn't, judging by the chakra). Young boy knew that he's too distracted to sense him and the chance he's a sensor as well is very tiny, yet, he was very careful while stepping closer. People would call it a training, but Tobirama calls it years and years of bad experience.  
  
His footsteps were light and soundless even though there wasn't a spot where rocks and leaves wouldn't make a noise that's alarming to trained ears. White-haired was half crouching, half standing as he saw the loud person.  
  
He was older, the first thing Tobirama noticed. Well, if not, then at least taller and better built and already hitting puberty boy. The clothes were in dark coloring, just like his hair and eyes. The skin was pretty tanned... come to think of it, Tobirama only saw himself being unable to sunbathe. He stayed stubbornly pale.  
  
Hashirama's age, maybe.  
  
The thoughts traveled away fully in Tobirama's head. That's how he was made, he was made to be interested in various things, wanting always to do something new, invent and explore. When he doesn't see anything that can threaten him, he can't focus on that thing anymore.  
  
Madara was not startled by the boy that was blankly staring at him. He was not. HE WASN'T OKAY?! He's just a bit spooked out and let out a pure sound of little surprise.  
  
(Madara was throwing stones into the river until they ended and went to get more. However, when he bent down, he swore he saw a glint of red and watched carefully his surroundings suspicious. Onyx-eyed boy shrieked when he saw a thin boy with ghost-like pale skin and face, facial features basically flawless, but the rest of the body? He was thin, almost skinny, he had little scratch marks and some small scars on the arms, then clothes baggy on the boy [he might've had more scars] - he was amazingly pretty still but... in meantime startling. Ravenette shrieked out in more fear than amazement.)  
  
The boy looked at him a bit confused, but then his expression sharpened.  
  
"Umm..." There was awkwardness in the air. "What are you doing?"  
  
 "Thinking." He stood up slowly and straightened his back. White-haired (if he was at all) didn't let himself look startled by being discovered.  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"..." The silence fell still heavy and awkward for Madara, but the other kid didn't seem to mind it.  
  
"Who are you?" The dark-haired asked after a few seconds of no answer.  
  
"That's impolite." The boy answered crossing his arms.  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's impolite to demand somebody's name without giving them yours in return." Albino expanded his thoughts and crossed his arms on chest.  
  
"Right..."  
  
"...doesn't seem like you're planning on introducing yourself." The boy uttered.  
  
"Yeah..." was Madara's next statement, the boy wasn't wrong so he couldn't say anything else.  
  
"Then your question just wasted mine and your time." The ruby-eyed boy quirked his white eyebrow. His hair color was unique. Ravenette hasn't ever seen somebody like that, and the eyes were the pretty same thing. They were pupilless and purely red. He has seen people pupilless and has seen people red-eyed, but never this combination. Well, there's the first time for everything, right?  
  
"Well, just like the ongoing conversation." This earned the older boy a scoff from the younger and eye roll.  
  
"What conversation? You were holding me verbally hostage. I could say nothing, I could pretend I can't say, I could turn away, I could lie to you, I could attack you-"  
  
"Okay, okay sorry. Sheesh, and I thought Izuna was talkative sometimes." Madara cut off gruffly.  
  
"I'm not talkative, I just gave an explanation to avoid misunderstanding."  
  
Tobirama pondered silently while giving quick answers, why was he so... relaxed? Ah, yes. Obviously. He's not recognized by the other boy as neither threat nor somebody below him. For the boy, he's a perfect stranger.  
  
"You're not a typical guy, are you?"  
  
"No. People often describe me as non-worthy living actually." Boy abused by the Senju rolled eyes and replied.  
  
"Sheesh, you're surrounded with really bad people then." That has got him open his eyes wide in surprise, because... he has a point.  
  
"Perhaps. Perhaps not." He may be, but he can't do anything about it. He's powerless.  
  
For the boy, he's a perfect stranger. Not a "Senju" member, not "son" of Butsuma.  
  
For the black-haired boy, he has no labels other than "stranger". A change... that is nice. Even if he was sent out shopping to some civil compounds he was marked as "Shinobi-san", and for that boy, he's not even considered warrior.  
  
"Are you a civilian?"  
  
"Can't you tell?"  
  
"Can a cat bark?" Ravenette felt irk raise in him as the albino hummed and pondered. "Are you serious!? Of course, it can't!"  
  
"Well, technically not, but if trained-"  
  
"It can't!"  
  
"Theoretically, It could-"  
  
"DEAR GODS! I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE A SHINOBI OR NOT!" Ravenette shouted irked at Tobirama who looked unimpressed over his antics. What Tobirama noticed was that his hair bristled as he lashed out, he nearly laughed because he reminded him of an upset puppy.  
  
"Well... you didn't have to shout on top of your lungs. Every Senju that is fifteen minutes away from here must've heard you." This (for Tobirama) was an obvious hint to his Senju heritage, but the boy didn't look like he quite got it.  
  
"Don't forget the Uchiha."  
  
"True, true, I don't doubt their abilities to hear your squealing."   
  
"What did you say!?"  
  
"What do I look to you then?"  
  
"Like a freaking snobby brat!"  
  
"It's snobbish. Or arrogant if you can't say it properly."  
  
"You're being an asshole."  
  
"An asshole I am not. And a brat? Well, I am out of wedlock, so you're technically right."  
  
"I could care less if you're the Sage of Six Paths' son-in-law because you're for me la-di-da, stuck-up and hoity-toity!"  
  
"What kind of vocabulary is that...? Did you steal my brother's diary to get this determination of me? Or did you stole baby's vocabulary? I don't think there's a difference anyway." He rolled his eyes, once Hashirama was writing a letter and when Tobirama read it he saw Hashirama use the word "pretty" for thirty-eight times.  
  
"Woah, I can tell there are three insults but neither made me mad for now. I am still recovering my mind from that."  
  
"My cousin has a saying when someone is speechless, however, I am not going to use it because your thin vocabulary would expand in direction of the cursing your enemies only."  
  
"Hold up right there! How the heck, did we get from that meaningless conversation about our names to how you think low of my intelligence?"  
  
"I never said nor express what I think of your intelligence. Besides, I just know yours for about three minutes. What can I think when we have only a meaningless conversation like that?"  
  
"Just how should I call you!? I am Madara Uchiha!"  
  
There fell in silence for a long while.  
  
"...you do realize what you said?" Nod. "And that as a member of Uchiha clan - I know - you're a Shinobi. I mean, you seem perfectly healthy and strong, unless you've left the clan or somebody did that for you and tagged you along. And by revealing your name and last name - by that action not only, you just broke a rule of Shinobi Code, but risked your life?"  
  
"Sheesh, what are you, my mom to give me lectures?" Madara knew Tobirama was right so he blurted out anything that would not give him the last word or full win. With embarrassed flush across his cheeks, he continued talking. "Who cares about t-the rules anyway. They suck, like... you know, Shinobi are used as tools but in end, we're all humans and we all will die one day and that we all want to be happy in the end."  
  
"That's one of the smarter things I've heard since my mom was murdered," Tobirama said half-serious.  
  
"So?"  
  
"Hm? Oh, right. Sorry for not revealing my name, I won't do that like you. Hope you understand that I prefer to play it safe rather than risk my life senselessly, I have a couple of people I'd like to live for. Call me just Tobi."  
  
 "Tobi, fine." Madara nodded at the strange boy with witty comebacks.  
  
"So, Madara what in the hell did the rocks do to you so you have to dump them all in the river?"  
  
"Didn't you ever heard of skipping stones?" There was silence as a reply for the Uchiha, if he knew "Tobi" better he would be able to say that the face boy was making was "what the heck" and "are you serious".  
  
"Okay so you just do this and the rock is supposed to - you know - bounce on the water. I am aiming for the other shore but it can't go that far at all!"  
  
"It won't work if you treat it like a kunai you know." Madara by now gotten used by the overly analytic mind of Tobi. His aunt used to be a Nara and his father - Tajima Uchiha - forced him to spend time with her to rub off on hers great strategic mind. She plays Shogi with him, but he always loses - with time he developed some skills, but they're poor, he only can tell if he loses after five moves. Sometimes she's too lazy for that and just tells him riddles. "The movement of your hand is too rough." As Tobirama explained he got himself a couple of rocks and skipped them, almost all of them reached at least the middle of the river. "See? Nothing hard if you just balance speed and strength." Ugh, they would love each other.  
  
"So I assume you're not a citizen."  
  
"Yes, you are correct." albino sighed. "So, next time please don't be so loud about you failing at skipping."  
  
"Hmmm? Oh, I disturbed you?" Madara used sarcasm and cocked eyebrow. Tobi rolled eyes and nodded.  
  
"You did indeed I was practicing when girlish squeals interrupted me, they were so loud that I couldn't hear my own thoughts."  
  
"You're the.... most malignant person I met today."  
  
"So you meet malignant people every day?"  
  
"Happens that the meanest person has done much worse things than a tease, but your words are too witty."  
  
"I'm flattered."  
  
"Either way, it's so sweet that you're concerned about my safety." Madara teased Tobirama who rolled his eyes once more during their conversation and he stayed silent. "Are you mad?"  
  
"I am not, but I am pretty sure that even under influence of chaotic emotions, I'd still beat you at skipping stones."  
  
"You sure you want to make that bet?"  
  
"And you? Firstly train, then challenge me."  
  
"You shrimp! I'm far more skilled than you could ever think!"  
  
"You don't prove it." Tobirama smiled slightly at the Madara who reminded him the mad puppy, more now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh~ I love you guys soooo muchh~  
> Happy Valentines Dayy~  
> Happy birthday to my fav Uchiha boys!  
> Izuna and Obito ❤️❤️❤️  
> Plus the chapter took longer to write because of bitch of my laptop that decided to fuck up connection to wi-fi  
> okay so the words related by meaning to snobbish wrecked me: elitist, superior, supercilious, haughty, disdainful, condescending, pretentious, affected, snooty, uppity, high and mighty, fancy-pants, la-di-da, stuck-up, hoity-toity, snotty cliquish, clannish, clubby


	4. Mendokse!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What a drag!" - Tobirama is shocked because of what happens. It starts of with a meeting his Clan Head at breakfast time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hare - is recognized as symbolism of cowardness

Tobirama looked at himself in the mirror and couldn't believe that the girl in the reflection he's looking at is actually him.  
  
With all the dark makeup and the wig, he looked like a younger copy of his cousin! Tōka seemed very contented with what she has achieved. She patted herself on the back nodding and went to other room to finish her dress up because making over her baby cousin took so much time! By the late evening, they were supposed to be already on spot! She needs to hurry!  
  
The process of putting the make-up wasn't complicated but... it was long and annoying.  
  
Meanwhile, his cousin in rush dressed herself up, Tobirama rubbed his temples and thought: "Where the heck did I go wrong?". When he opened his ruby eyes again with annoyance he blamed it on his old memories of early childhood. The days filled out so much with innocence and happiness and blindness to the reality of this world. He remembered just like it was a month ago, kind afar away, but still fresh. The way he called out to his mother, the way she looked at him with sadness and this melancholic love. The way she called him "her little cub" or simply just a "kitten". The way she could come to him with a dark-colored, swelling cheek and smile the same way Hashirama always does.  
  
Tōka says that he's a lookalike to his mother, but Tobirama can't see it. He only saw the resemblance to mother in Kawarama.  
  
He couldn't stand re-living those memories continuously in his dreams - he'd rather have nightmares about monsters chasing him, dismembering him and dying continuously... he'd rather than other than watching his dear family members alive and happy and in next moment dead and cold.  
  
Despite those heart-breaking memories, he wakes up like he would from a restless dream - tired, angry and sad. Ignoring his emotions is his second nature, he can control himself and hold composure. But today's morning seemed different from the start.

* * *

He woke up in tears - for the first time in forever. Before he could get it all together, Hashirama - like an idiot he is - without knocking burst inside of his room. When the Senju heir saw his younger brother in tears, he exploded into tears too and chocked him in the hold he called a "hug". White-haired actually appreciated the care but didn't admit it.  
  
It took some time before Hashirama said why he came to bother his little brother. Turns out, the breakfast was getting done by someone else - it was Tobirama's responsibility to make it, and yet today someone else was doing it and Hashirama was supposed to get him. Tobirama didn't suspect that the day would get bad at the beginning, rather he anticipated that it would be a bit different than on average. Albino went with his older brother to the dining room and froze in the doorway seeing Butsuma sitting there and drinking tea.  
  
The Clan Head never consumed in the presence of the bastard child. Something was terribly off and the young Senju did not like it.  
  
While he was getting frightened his older brother settled down by the table and began eating eagerly. His overjoyed movements were as always scolded by his father. Butsuma reminded him of the pride and manners before leaving him alone.   
  
Tobirama didn't wait for attention nor invitation and joined not daring to openly look at Butsuma, though that didn't stop him from sneaking glances looking for any form of aggressiveness and waiting tensely. Only Hashirama didn't notice the tension and ate like nothing around him was wrong - well, the blessing of obliviousness.  
  
The heir ate quickly and then ran off to get dressed and to play with his friends - Tobirama didn't envy him having friends. They were just a bunch of screaming ridiculous things, youngsters, always oblivious and always loud. He didn't want the affection they showed each other through pushing, blackmailing, teasing and stalking. He didn't want the affection shown through spontaneous hugs and compliments. He had Hashirama and Tōka - they were all he could wish for. If he loses both of them too - he has nothing to live for. His dreams were frail, they were only made to be an additional reason to be strong.  
  
If someone ever asked Tobirama what he was afraid of, he'd say "death while my loved ones are still living". Though it's silly, he'd rather be the last one to go. He'd rather be in the background and watch their backs going forward, then join in. He always watched from distance, but undoubtfully, he was also scared of the Senju's current Clan Head, he doesn't want to be seen as a threat by showing signs of individuality. That man is strict and merciless to enemies. If there's a matter needing mercy and kindness, Butsuma leaves it to his advisors.  
  
If he was anything like Hashirama he'd wonder what made Butsuma so bitter, but he couldn't care less. He prays for that man to die as soon as possible. Tobirama stands up to start cleaning after the breakfast and hears the voice of Butsuma that would ring in his head for days.  
  
"This evening, at the dojo. We'll do a small sparring match."  
  
His heart stopped and dropped to his stomach. He nearly dropped the dishes he was holding. Trying to not tremble he continued to walk into the kitchen.  
  
"I didn't hear confirmation." The domineering voice spoke.  
  
Frail-looking boy didn't speak until he hadn't finished cleaning the dishes. He turned to face Butsuma, but didn't dare to look straight in the eyes, rather than that, he looked a bit lower.  
  
"N...onor...an...ead..." He muttered too quietly and too quickly for the Clan Head's ears. The boy nearly flinched seeing the face features harden with displeasure. "I said... No Honorable Clan Head... I believe... I mean, because... because I believe I am busy at the time with preparing for the celebration of Uzumaki Clan's Princess Birthday... Tōka got invited for the party and she questioned me if I'd be interested in the attendance as well... I gave her an approving response."  
  
If Butsuma knew at least a bit more about Tobirama, he'd call out him lying. Because the pale boy lied, he hated social events. He hated humans, those fragile and easily cheated and maimed beings, but in meantime those strong and loving ones. They were the beings that could kick the laying but the next week is the one taking the burden.  
  
What the boy didn't realize that he looked at the people as if they were potentially another Butsuma - just different looking. He treated them with respect, but loathing inside. The bonds he has created with Hashirama, Kawarama, Itama, his mother and Tōka prevented him from thinking the same about them. The bonds that were put into tears and laughs, time and despair, love and care were the deed that kept them from being in his eyes just grey masses that didn't matter.  
  
"I see, I suppose I do not intend to get into a quarrel with your cousin." Because Tōka was another potential Clan Head, more likely than Tobirama because - obviously he's the bastard child, and Tōka is a well-bred young woman. Female indeed and that would cause problems, she was the one who clearly picked Tobirama's side and protected him. Of course, if Tōka found out about "sparring" she would cause much more trouble. "Next time inform me."  
  
Not any that would really make damage for the man, but they would be troublesome to deal with.  
  
Besides he was making sure that Tobirama knows he isn't going to hide behind anybody's back too long.  
  
The red eyes followed the Clan Head until he left and they closed with relief, the pale as moon frame ease up then. A bit sulking boy went to gather necessities. He didn't have many, then he went to his cousin, that was more than happy to take her baby cousin along. But of course, she could cut him off any slack and had to get him a last-minute disguise as Senju princess.  
  
The boy was vaguely against. He could go dressed in just formal uniform! He doesn't need to dress a female's clothing!

* * *

"What in the hell are you talking about!?"  
  
"You're thin, your cheekbones defined, overall the frame is still too chubby and too childish to be considered masculine. You're not even too far into teenagehood so it's not weird for you to not hit puberty. Besides, you're getting more and more recognizable. People call you Snow Rabbit, though for me you're a Fluffy Snow White Hare, and during missions, they see you often by Hashirama's side, and he's the next Clan Head - you think you're gaining little attention, but it's not. So yes, you'll become a girl for safety reasons... and amusement of course too."  
  
He couldn't disagree.  
  
"Why do you hate me so much?"  
  
"I love you my baby cousin now stop scowling because you'll have wrinkles princess!" she laughed. "It's punishment also."

* * *

Travel to Uzumaki lands called Uzushio didn't take long thanks to Tōka's summonings. On foot, the journey would take six hours, and they didn't have time for that, so his cousin summoned eagles she had a summoning contract with and asked them for assistance and allowance to travel on their backs. This was the first time Tobirama has traveled through air. The eagles who were strong enough to let a human sit on their back while flying, were very polite and they took liking in Tobirama and his politeness. From the borders of Senju lands to borders of Uzushio in merely an hour.

When saying goodbyes, the birds said that if Tobirama wants to, they can get him also a contract. Tōka showed him discreetly to kindly decline, so he followed her advice and after the enormous birds left, he questioned why.

"They'll make you eat bugs and live with them for a month, they live in mountains and everywhere they go, they use wings so good luck keeping up with them."

"I see, they demand for the summoner to become one of them."

"Precisely." she nodded and smiled seeing familiar palace. They've been walking for fifteen minutes by now. The border guards waved loudly greeting Senjus with a big smile. "Remember undercover name?"  
  
"Yes, yes - Rama. It's foolish. People with at least a bit of mind will get what's going on!"  
  
The one good thing about being a girl is that the clothes are much softer and nice in touch. Tobirama swore to himself that during the closest stop, he's going to find any kind of water where he can wash off the makeup - a puddle even will fit!  
  
The brown-haired young woman laughed and patted her grumpy cousin's head.  
  
"We'll be in place soon, and still late, so we might not even get noticed. Doesn't that make you happy?"  
  
"Hn, at least a bit of positivity."

"Oh and remember, there are two types of Uzumaki, a goofy type and a serious type. Don't mess with either, because they are hella scary when they lose their temper."

"I have to yet see thing scarrier than you before your coffee, big cousin."

"Laugh it up while you can."  
  
But of course that couldn't be the case - when the two Senju walked into Uzumaki's Birthday Celebration late - they were spotted effortlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fml I lost all I wrote and I am dead inside it was almost done at the 13 th March at the 8:54PM  
> I am crying eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
> 
> sorry for lazy updates and thank you for the support! I will make sure to meditate a lot and then write the chapter updates you all deserve!


	5. Nousagi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara is extremly bored at the party.
> 
>  
> 
> Nousagi - Hare

Tobirama sighed annoyed.  
  
Why was he annoyed? Maybe because he has just been pushed through the main doors to the ballroom? And with a gloomy mood, he stated that everybody was strangely looking at him and his cousin? - Tōka unlike him was comfortable - maybe not fully because the disapproving stares were quite unsettling, but still she didn't stand there awkwardly and searched with her eyes for her grandfather and technically aunt, but in reality, she was older by few years. Plus, he could be a little off because he was in girly clothing?  
  
The ballroom was the biggest room he ever saw. He has seen big buildings, but inside the rooms weren't near that size. His heart squeezed as he looked up at the ceiling - beautiful paintings that sank into his memory. Oh God, that was so high. The ceiling was so far away. Eyes wide with amazement took in the beautiful room. This was the first ballroom he has ever seen, he didn't know that it wasn't supposed to look like the everyday room. Everyday chambers were modest and contained necessary things as during the endless fights, the clans could barely afford anything aside from necessities. The ballroom was also incredibly bright.  
  
Tobirama, suddenly, had a huge want of just turning back and leaving through the same door he got into with. Sure, right, he is invited, he's a guest, but it was his older cousin that was the very welcome one in the Uzumaki grounds. He wasn't welcome even at home. It sucks to be in his skin sometimes. Most of the times. He doesn't belong here.  
  
"Oh, dear seems like we've been spotted." She gave a sheepish smile and rubbed her cheek. Then a man with his hair somewhere between grey and red came up to welcome the two. "Hey, grandpa! Tōka - me, of course, and Rama - the cute, little, baby cousin here - are finally on the spot! - sorry, we didn't reach this place earlier but Rama took lots of time to get ready." The young woman said to the man still smiling while nudging Tobirama lightly with an elbow.  
  
The boy with a wig shot dirty look her way.  
  
"I see that Tōka." the elder man that was unmistakably part of the host's clan, said with an unimpressed look. Something tells the Senju, he's hard to impress. "You've missed out the growing up ceremony and the official dinner, Tōka."  
  
The growing-up ceremony was different in each clan and was variously important depends on how strong the traditions were planted in the hearts of the clan members. Senju clan didn't have a growing up ceremony - if there was one, Tobirama didn't commit, Hashirama and Tōka neither. Not to mention any of his younger brothers. In the Uzumaki clan, if the current heir or heiress was reaching the age of puberty, they were given a scroll that was decorated in unique markings that some tried to understand but couldn't ever figure out what the artist thought of the person that they were creating for. Despite the outside being irreplaceable, the inside was always the same.  
  
A combination of powerful sealing techniques that every future Uzumaki Clan Head needs to know before they reach adulthood. The current Clan Head had many children, but only his youngest daughter managed to this day. He used to have three sons and four daughters. Two sons were killed, third died out of illness, two older daughters (in that Tōka's mother) took the exhaustion of their chakra as the reason to die, the third daughter has left the clan and married into Hagoromo's and nobody has ever heard of her again. The Uzumaki Clan Members were known from their ability to live long lives and posses long-lasting unique beauty, the current Clan Head - Mito's father and Tōka's grandfather, Bonshu Uzumaki - was reaching an age of 70 years old and still looked like in late 40's at most. And his youngest daughter wasn't older than sixteen. Wait, wait. Hold up. If Lord Bonshu looks forty-few, how actually can his daughter be old? She might be older than Tōka... Uzumaki's looks age slowly. Like very slowly. Apparently, the life forces as well, judging, by the way, the Clanhead of Uzumaki clan moved. In the Senju clan, there might be at least ten maybe more members who reached that age.  
  
With a slight frown, he looked at Mito. She looked barely a year older than him! Maybe he's exaggerating.  
  
And Official Dinner - kind of speaks for itself, it's a dinner with all the invited people by one long table, the only addition is that there are gifts for the birthday child. After that people walk away from each other and talk only to people they know and wish to get to know, they keep away from those they hate just to not bring shame on themselves if they argue and break into a fight. From his cousin, Tobirama knew that everyday parties were more... wild. These parties were only to show off. And they worked and made outsiders think they are for real stuck-ups on daily basis.  
  
Tobirama once got a hold on one of those books all about formalities and how to act - etiquette - and he agreed with Tōka, it was truly a waste of time, even more, that he's going to see most of those people only once. Tobirama's bet is that the book is long-covered in the dust because the only person in the Senju clan who knows how to bear formalities is the Clan Head - ...he thinks, okay? He's not sure. And maybe Tōka knows too.  
  
Though... they're really the most modest skills she possesses.  
  
"So nothing important then, I am relieved." The young woman sends wolfish grin to the man, he was about to speak up when a merry voice called out Tōka's name. The happy exclaim came from gracefully moving towards the girl. "Is it you Mito? You've grown quite a lot!" the brown-haired grinned as red-head with two buns on top of her head hugged her.  It was a theatrical, Tobirama recognized Mito earlier, she was just waiting there like a caged tiger. Ready to jump and cut in the conversation. "You're still childishly chubby!" Ignoring the light glare sent her way she nudged again Tobirama who glares at Tōka as well. Ignoring that as well, she told Mito "This is Rama." The red-haired girl took a closer look at the younger newcomer. Even a little too close for the liking of the boy. Tobirama met eyes with the Uzumaki whose eyes burned his soul. She was staring like a hawk - or an owl, whatever, he found both creepy.  
  
"Tōka, can you stop dressing boys as girls?" Mito sighed pulling away and reaching out a hand for the other to take. "I am Mito Uzumaki."  
  
"To- Rama."  
  
"Torama?"  
  
"No, just Rama." apparently, the Clan head decided it's his cue to leave and he did so.  
  
"Now, now, Mito - you know, safety reasons. Mito-hun, next time don't yell at top of your lungs that someone is in disguise, okay?"  
  
"Right, because on the neutral grounds are needed disguises." The pair of red eyebrows went high and arms crossed. It was a small surprise for Tobirama that someone can talk like that to one and only feared Tōka. Guess he can learn something here. "It's my birthday and I could put Senju Clan Head and Uchiha Clan Head next to each other, and they wouldn't be allowed to even snarl at each other!"  
  
The boy raised an eyebrow at the girl. Huh... if the Senju Clan ever gets on bad terms with Uzumaki (which is basically impossible since they're almost/basically the same clan) they're in huge trouble, they're having Mito as the heiress while Senju has Hashirama. The two are like the land and the sea.  
  
"So why are you really late Tōka?"  
  
"No, I was honest, it took so long to get Tob-eeee-Rama to get ready." Tōka wanted to say her diminutive of Tobirama's, name that is only allowed to be used in the emergency situations (mental breakdowns) and with people close to white-haired's heart.  
  
"Oh? You said Tobirama. Is that your real name? Hm?"  
  
Tobirama mumbled words under his breath, his voice was quiet but hearable for the person he was talking to. "The disguise... It was a short notice - besides, apparently, the situation didn't require it, Tōka. You've painted my face for an hour."  
  
"But you look like a girl now! Only Mito was able to tell you apart yet!"  
  
"I don't understand but anyway - indeed it took a good look at you to recognize, you have quite the reasons to be displeased, but you had "I'm uncomfortable with what is happening" written all over your face. You have to work on expressions while doing stealth like that."  
  
How was that her business? He knows how to hold composure! He just didn't want to! He was about to voice it, but like all those other times his mouth stayed shut and glued.  
  
"She's just really happy to see me," Tōka explained, but it really didn't make sense to him. "Look at how she talks a lot." Did it make it have some sense now? "Not every day you have the eighteenth birthday."  
  
"Hey!" the red-haired girl hissed at Tōka, but the girl was too far gone in her jokes.  
  
"I mean, man, Uzumaki sure do age long, but puberty now?"  
  
"Hey!" She now raised her voice.  
  
"Dang, I should bring sanitary pads to teach you how to use them."  
  
Tobirama kept an idle face. He knew what they were talking about. God, he wishes he didn't. The one time he burned a hole in Tōka's floor? The experiment going wrong? Yeah, that time the side-effect was him becoming her. He learned so much respect for women, they go through devious hurting-like-a-bitch, pains every-fucking-month! After that one week of being a girl that hit her time of a month, he never again complained about Tōka's moody days, nor any other female's in the clan (he often went to gather herbs and make a tea that helped them relax and ease the pain). Aside from hurting head, stomach and his heart (how emotional the women get he never understood until that moment he became one) what hurt was his nipples. After a while, he went to his cousin who explained it's just breasts growing. That was the critic point.  
  
He was so scared that he'll stay a girl forever. But he found a way to change back into a boy - it kinda hurt more than becoming a girl. He put a big warning on the technique and put it into his failed techniques he spent too much time on working to just let them be forgotten. That was a quite a list by now.  
  
Mito and Tōka argued a bit forth and back while Tobirama stayed by them calm and deep in his own world and thought about his experiments, about the annoying Madara Uchiha who kept him from achieving his goal despite being this close. Apparently, the riverbank was his favorite spot for skipping stones.  
  
"You know, you won't be having fun with us, but you can go to the koi pond outside. There were some boys closer to your age, last I checked." It was a polite form of hey-I-want-to-talk-to-Tōka-and-could-you-please-leave-we're-girls-and-you're-boy. Tobirama didn't feel offended, though he assumes he could have a few exchanges of words with Uzumaki who were a clan that believed in educating all the youngsters.  
  
Anyway, he would rather stay close to Tōka, but since he wasn't used to speaking up his mind, he just turned in the direction and left after saying quick goodbyes.

* * *

 

Madara was so bored during the birthday ceremony, and it basically went uphill from there. Sure it was graceful, and sublime and exquisite... and all other similar words to "noble", but for someone like Madara it was way too damn long. The other guests were raised this way - to suffer, I mean, enjoy those parties - and his father was good at waiting (years of learning how to plan out strategy by playing with the Doruko Nara who married recently into Uchiha clan but didn't really become one of them yet, plus battle experience). Only Izuna was a saving from the all-pervasive boredom, but the bastard tried to make him laugh so hard - usually he appreciates it, but not during the opening speech nor any other time when they all are supposed to sit quietly.  
  
The dinner was silent and after the huge meal, there was the short moment to have some talk time before everybody goes into their small tight groups. It was mostly adults there so Madara is thanking heavens and spirits of Pure Lands to have his little brother with him. The birthday girl, on the contrary to the brother of his - was mature and when he tried talking to her, he instantly felt discouraged by her stick-to-the-rules, loss of flexibility, protocol and her eye-hurting nobility. Didn't seem like she thought she's above him, but pretty displeased he doesn't have the right manners.  
  
(He's not meant to understand that it's all for the show until much much later.)  
  
Right, he's a warrior and she's a princess. He forgets that there is a world outside of the Uchiha clan. The Uchiha princesses are a rare thing, girls get born into the clan rarely, so the average dream of a father is to have a baby girl and his own princess, but they in most cases got a bunch of little, loud, destructive warriors.  
  
Uchiha clan despite appearing as proud and well-mannered, was very careless and wild. Just a normal day in Uchiha clan is that kids set a house on fire. They got the most advanced irrigation system - running water in sinks, bathubs, and toilets. And the kids are taught what to do in case of creating a fire - "for first keep the little ones away from fire and then put the fire out - if the fire is too big to go get an adult."  
  
Madara had some experience with putting a fire out - mainly his hair because when Izuna was smaller and thrown a tantrum... oooh brother. Besides the thing about Uchiha hair... it's not convenient to have this much hair but their tradition takes long hair as a sign of nobility and strength. But just you fight a shinobi with an ability to use ninjutsu. Katon puts hair on fire, Suiton makes the Uchiha need to waste whole day drying them, Fuuton gets them tangled like a birds nest, Raiton makes them look like hedgehogs - more than usual, and Doton? Good luck getting the mud out of hair.  
  
About the politics of the Uzumaki - they're not friends but not enemies, they're neutral.   
  
(Some sort of friend of my enemy is not a friend, but doesn't need to be a foe.)   
  
They sometimes trade and sometimes have an argument, but nothing above that, they never engage in fights, because angry Uzumaki is scarier than upset, enraged, Uchiha child that knows how to set stuff on fire. 

* * *

The Uchiha clan, a feline clan, tries keeping on good terms with the canine clans (Inuzuka and Hatake), which says enough about them. Sure, they used to live like cats and dogs once. The efforts to keep the truce between were great - from both sides because once they have gotten into argument, they instantly became the priority to beat. They even ignored Senju for the sake of fighting with Inuzuka/Hatake (especially the Hatake, the stubborn and bossy ones). There is even a saying - to live like an Uchiha with a Hatake - which translates into "live like a dog and cat".  
  
But turns out, that they have more similarities than differences. The canine clans don't accept the marriage of need and arrangement. They hate it when it happens and try really hard to tear that kind of union apart, gets them in trouble. While the canine clans get defensive and offensive with the arranged marriages, the Uchiha get confused. They ask the most basic questions "do you fall in love eventually or something?" "Do you get to like... have a lover? Or maybe second marriage?" "What do you mean by no?" "If marriage can be arranged and forced onto two people, why can't it unite two lovers out of love as well?" - probably because of the loving rule is only known to those related to the Uchiha clan and the Uchiha - when one loves - they love to death.  
  
No matter how: greedy, dark, innocent, pure, sick, irrational; and everybody back in the clan knows that so there's no such thing as arranged marriage - when one is in love, they're in love. End of discussion. There's no such thing as banning homosexual marriages also - or banning anything with love though there is one restriction for incest, age gaps, the Clan Head and his family. The Clan Head needs to leave an heir or heiress, if not him, then his siblings, then closest cousins.  
  
The clan doesn't really have many rules, they have much more traditions than the mentioned before manners (take a look at their festivals - the Uchiha would be the greatest at making celebrations out of something simple as mastering a new technique).  
  
An example of Uchiha tradition - when a youngster reaches an age of 14 and is a Shinobi, they have their hair cut extremely short and since that time they let their hair grow out, they don't cut it unless they lose in battle. Izuna had his birthday recently and he complained how short hair exposes his ears and how cold they feel. Tajima's Uchiha hair stopped growing out so fast - Madara started to even notice grey hairs.

* * *

Currently, Madara was trying to drown Izuna in the koi pond for making him look so foolish. Believe me, his faces were hilarious when he tries to stop himself from outbursting in laughter. Izuna yielded by apologizing to his older sibling he crawled out of the pond and panted laying on his back.  
  
"Now you gotta cut your hair shorter, little brother."  
  
"WHAT?! NO WAY! I JUST GREW SOME BACK!"  
  
"That's the tradition, Izuna." watching Izuna being so defensive over few strands of hair that will quickly grow back made the party slightly better.  
  
"But they said battle, battle. Not a stupid fight with a sibling!"  
  
"Hey, I won. Can't follow the tradition, little sibling?"  
  
"Can you stop Madara calling me little sibling? There's a literally a little age gap between us. I should be calling you a little sibling - I mean look at my height - I am barely fifteen, and I'm already as tall as you?" Right, but Izuna can come back with a tease as well.  
  
"Hey! I didn't hit puberty early like you!"  
  
"Excuses-" The Izuna looked away from his brother with a grin that died down and his eyes grew wider making Madara get worried, he knew that look and it filled him with despair. "...whoa..."

* * *

Tobirama nearly smiled, because, hey, it's Madara there. But his smile was killed by cruel reality - 'I am in a fucking dress'.  
  
The disguise was working - he could say at least because the two Uchihas were making huge eyes at him. He was getting chills.  
  
"Stop staring." He said a little bit higher for his voice. Maybe he can enjoy tricking someone into thinking that he's a girl. What can go wrong?  
  
"I am sorry," Madara said and then punched the other Uchiha.  
  
"Uh-huh, I am Izuna and that's my brother Madara. Don't mind him, he's a savage!" Izuna grinned and dodged the hit that aimed for his ribs.  
  
"I am Rama."  
  
"Well princess, why aren't you enjoying the party with others? Don't you have an arranged knight in white armor waiting until you're sixteen yourself?" Izuna teased - it was not mentioned before, but since it's such an abstract for the Uchiha - arranged marriage - they often tease and bother the person that gets married off. Tobirama raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms tilting his head to the side.  
  
"Do you?" 'her' voice was sweet and teasing.  
  
"No!" His voice went higher making Tobirama's eyebrows go even higher as well, and Madara let out a snort of laughter that he was attempting poorly to keep inside.  
  
"Then you got an answer. As for the party - I don't like playing dress-up and make-up games all for some words exchange and then disappearing on the sidelines."  
  
"Then why you're dressed like you're going to the wedding?" One glance of weariness. "Attacked and subdued? Introvert?"  
  
"...Yes to the both."  
  
"Aww, princess! We can relate! Well, we're just not really welcome because we're 'the savages'."  
  
"Not surprised you're considered one."  
  
Madara really enjoys his flirt of a brother getting heavily burned by the princess. Does he know this... no way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw never trust the dates it shows it was published :^  
> Unless you're me and you need to change the date because you didn't publish anything in two months  
> omg I have three drafts and none finished kill me :')


	6. Subarashī Umi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title means "Marvelous Sea"
> 
> Hello to everyone who thought I died :'D 
> 
> ...I am onto it
> 
>  
> 
> ...help

"So we're friends now, and you're too quiet for this party and we're too loud for it... what can go wrong?" Izuna grinned to the new companion. It's been nearly half an hour since he asked Rama to stop giving him so many burns because she was merciless. Her tongue was cunning and sharp like a well-polished kunai knife. Nearby the koi pond they found a bench where they sat and talked. What the boy found weird was that his sibling didn't try to choke out a word - which he usually did, even if he's bit odd. Now that he thinks about it... ohhh~ No way, was his brother too shy for that reason?  
  
"Indeed." thanks to lots of self-control, Tobirama didn't look at Madara longer and more often than an ordinary person would. A normal person in his place would be vaguely uncomfortable. He's rather amused. "So what were you onto before I interrupted?"  
  
"Meh, nothing out of ordinary - just sibling stuff. Arguing, yelling at each other, Madara tried to drown me in koi pond for trying to cheer him up a little-" Izuna uttered with a shit-eating grin that made his older brother rile up and recall why he was trying to murder his younger sibling. This relationship reminded him of the one that Tōka and Kawarama had. Kawarama was soft-hearted, but he had prints of malice that already began developing. Unlike Itama, Itama had a reverse work.  
  
"As if it wasn't in the middle of the godforsaken ceremony!" Madara reminded of the actions of his brother anger riled up. He was about to put that big mouth into the pond again!  
  
"-and we kind of tried to skip the stones but that doesn't work either."  
  
"So nothing out of the ordinary I see. Besides, I don't think it's godforsaken, it seems like Uzumaki are a pretty religious bunch." Tobirama spoke up smiling lightly.  
  
"It's figurative of speech," Madara grumbled, why couldn't she just give it up?  
  
"Using big words now, Uchiha-san?"  
  
"Yikes, you're at each other's throats... didn't see that coming." Madara began mumbling something like 'I don't go at anybody's throat you idiot' while "Rama" just arched her brow and rolled eyes. "Neither of us had any idea how boring a birthday party can be actually, all the birthday parties we've been to have been either a success or a disaster."  
  
"Hmm? And how it is to be at a birthday party?"  
  
"Well, we're not that often on birthday ceremonies... usually when it's too cold to safely throw a battle, but when we are going to the party - there's plenty of people we know and some we don't know. We play silly games and argue, eat and drink and stuff like that." Tobirama liked that Izuna didn't ask him questions. Maybe it was because he wanted to retain last bits of his dignity that Rama so mercilessly took and torn apart.  
  
"Hn, I think you're only talking about parties you've been to with our four-year-old cousins!"  
  
"Like you've been to any other!"  
  
Tobirama raised his eyebrows at the two arguing - now they reminded him of Itama and Kawarama. It was a sudden memory when they fought once because their prank war went too far and Tobirama was about to scold them - so they argued who's the one bearing most of the blame. If not for Itama's inability to hit anybody - they'd surely fight each other. It brought a small smile to his lips.  
  
He didn't notice he was smiling when the two stopped arguing.  
  
"Rama?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You're... crying and smiling?"  
  
"...Hell!" he looked down and on impulse nearly wiped his face with his hand but reminded himself that he's wearing a ton of makeup - well ton for him was the lipstick, the blush, mascara, and eyeliner.  "You two just remind me of my siblings." There was no further explanation needed for the two.  
  
"You're naturally this pale or is it the makeup?" Izuna threw a different subject to focus on.  
  
"Izuna!"  
  
"What?" Izuna blinked at Madara cluelessly while Madara tried to tell him with eyes that asking a girl about her makeup is rude.  
  
"No, my skin and sun don't like each other. I cannot get tanned." Tobirama didn't realize he's this frail. He should know better than break in front of strangers. Tears are no more running down his cheeks, though his chest felt tight and hands shook. He clenched his fists digging nails in palms - what the hell was wrong with him? Keeping bad emotions inside tactic isn't good, because more you keep in, easier you're to be popped like a balloon - but how can he know?  
  
"That's rare, I mean look at all those people! I bet none of them is this pale on daily basis!"  
  
 "Well, it is an official party and it's fashionable to be very pale."

* * *

They talked about everything and nothing, mostly he and Izuna. Madara grumbled something under his breath from time to time and kept having this feverish blush spread on his ears and cheeks. Tobirama asked Madara once or twice if he's alright, but each time Madara got redder and responded lightly snarling at him that he's all good.  
  
Tobirama was not the one to pressure if one gave him an answer.  
  
Few times he caught the Uchihas be vaguely captivated by his eyes. Especially the color. Izuna didn't hesitate to compliment Tobirama's eyes which made the boy burn with embarrassment.  
  
A thing to know about Izuna is that he's very bossy and overly confident and his brother seems to be more modest, but the very same amount of superiority is implanted in his head. For Tobirama feeling superior is weird and unknown, but he knows a bossy type when he sees one. And a funny thing is to watch the two clash.  
  
Izuna wanted to talk about something with Rama and so, he sent his brother out for some drinks for them and Madara objected saying that they might as well go all. Tobirama watches amused the two and then Madara leaves visibly cursing, but verbally unnoticeable.  
  
"You're a Shinobi, aren't you princess?"  
  
"Well, aren't all clans Shinobi nowadays? It's called a war not without a reason, it touches everybody." Tobirama answers while looking up. The night fell and stars came out along with the moon making slightly chilly night much more pleasant. Winter is coming.  
  
"Are you active out in the field?"  
  
"Not really." The albino doesn't avoid the questions no further. He takes back the statement about no questions. "They don't like me fighting."  
  
"No wonder, you're a pretty princess."  
  
"Right, because pretty princesses shouldn't be fighting, they should stay home look pretty and be polite and nice." The red eyes rolled as he snarled.   
  
Izuna blinked. "Um, that's not what I meant... your clan is kinda retarded, isn't it?"  
  
"What do you mean by "retarded"?" Tobirama questions with his eyes narrowing in slight disbelief at the wording.  
  
"Well, there are so many things to call out then, I don't know where to get started. For one..." then Izuna told Tobirama about the equality and tolerance in general. The albino has heard painful comments but never took them to heart because it would be too unbearable, and Izuna was saying that saying those words in Uchiha clan is borderline to illegal.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tōka and Mito might've seemed to be the ones who will party all night and catch up a lot. But to be honest, they sent to each other ten letters per week and didn't have much to talk about aside from things to the ones they couldn't write in letters.  
  
"It is utterly horrible and distasteful," Mito says as Tōka finishes her tale about Tobirama. The redhead feels so sorry for the boy. She is almost ready to be impulsive and doesn't even let the albino leave her soon-to-be inherited lands (Tōka told her about him being bullied by his odd looks on their own aside from being unwanted and a bastard child, and what Uzumaki hates most, is when one abuses other based on appearance). But she finds calm and then talks to Tōka about plans how to smuggle Tobirama out of the Senju grip and not have an argument about it with Butsuma. "He can't know I have anything to do with it... if he simply runs away from you in the woods, he will just simply turn you back to find him..." Uzumaki's mind was working. All those hours spending on trying to break Nara's strategy in the shogi didn't go to waste. "I get it!"  
  
The Uzumaki was proud and Tōka despite not knowing the plan yet, thanked her.  
  
"You're the best relative I have!"  she exclaims and hugs the redhead.  
  
"Okay okay, but you want to know what needs to be done right?" as brunette nodded eagerly - she was acting like such a child in Uzushio, but from the rumors, she heard from her relatives who visit Senju clan from time to time that back there she's serious and deadly. "Good, so, first we'll need a fake dead body- don't make such eyes, I can make one easily - I mean, I am not the best but my skills will just do. Your clan still doesn't do autopsies and I am sure that they wouldn't do it on Tobirama either way, basing on your stories."  
  
"Logical." the older girl admitted.


	7. Hahaoya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hahaoya" - "Mother"
> 
> Short little memories of Suiko Senju, the wife of Butsuma, whose tomb is at unknown location.
> 
> And a small look into the heritage that Suiko brought, but is not mentioned because of what has been done by her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little recap from fifeteen years ago

"I highly doubt that this union will be pleasant." Suiko sighed to herself heavily holding her head in her palm trying to not ruin her hair - the preparations were hurting like a bitch, so she doesn't want to go through that again. The heiress was disgusted by the reflection of herself. To get this hair done took a damn few hours and this many layers of clothes? She feels like she's suffocating with the heat. Hell! The worst thing was, that thing in the mirror hadn't resembled her in one bit! That damn paint on her face... she was glad for the moment of lone time. She hated doing this - it hurt so much that she wanted to cry. But if it saves her closes kin, she won't hesitate. If Kaiha didn't get in this trouble... she'd be free. She would be running like a wild pup she is, forever untamed. Yet, those were her parents and siblings that needed her to do that, and she has nobody else.  
  
So that's how she's here dressed in those ridiculous wedding clothes because if that stupid Senju did it her way, they'd never get married. Marriage hunts are apparently too hard for those "stronger" clans. All she'd want was to get in a relationship where either she's equal or she did it the old traditional but good way. Actually, how much stronger they can be if they won't do a simple marriage hunt?  
  
Suiko doesn't get it, but guess it's a cultural difference.  
  
Those shark-scented assholes would've been better. She could've married those guys. They did make bad jokes and were overprotective but still better than this forced marriage for her family's safety.  
  
She's not ready for being bounded - she's too young for this, she's not lived her adventures through yet.  
  
Thinking over her options that she doesn't have anymore. It's too late for second thoughts if she disagrees... what will happen to her family? Death? If she somehow hides them...? No, what in the hell is she thinking?  Assholes like the Uchiha, Senju, Uzumaki, Hyuuga, Hagoromo, Kaguya or whatever there are still - are easily offended. If they are denied then she might endanger a whole clan, and in that clans aligned to them. She knows that canine would win, but at what price?  
  
Those detached from nature are so infuriating! Why they're not a bit more similar to clans like hers? Nara, Yamanaka, and Akimichi are very pleasant, to be honest, so they're a clan of the third category. They just don't give a shit and co-exist with each other in peace.  
  
Trying to not destroy her makeup and haircut she rubbed her temples. She tried to ease the pressure in her heart that made her want to cry.  
  
Then, without knocking, to her room came a young woman that was the last person Suiko would like to see on this cursed day. She still smiled though.  
  
"Big sister!" The teenaged girl with traditional for their clan official outfit - which could be a little bit odd for Senju traditional marriage ceremony - came as quick as possible and launched herself onto the soon-to-be-given-away bride.  
  
"Kaesine leave me be!" Suiko growled at her little sibling who kept on giving her the affection. Kaesine was a girl with soft features and an easy smile, her bright brown hair a bit darker than Suiko's. Her outfit was something odd for a girl like her. She had a shirt on and pants. Those things at the same time didn't appear on her.  
  
"Big sister... if you want..." The set of bright eyes looked both sides as if afraid of being eavesdropped on. Suiko knew that her sister wouldn't be mad if she endangered her, but she needs to grow up. Kaesine was willing to help her escape even if it costs her life so she will be happy.  
  
But it's Suiko who's the big sister and gives up things for her.  
  
"I want to help the family." The woman raised herself putting her sister onto her feet. She was honest, but she felt hurt still.  
  
"But- but you barely went through the growing up ceremony!" the small girl with somehow brushed hair (that usually was wild as heck) pouted with big tears in her eyes. The reminder was quite embarrassing, she viewed that tradition as particularly hard... either way... this marriage is horrible. She questioned if she's going to be able to bring her six wolves (Mikoto, Yamato, Tarashi, Hikokuni, Oshihito, and Oyama), and Senju council said 'no Inuzuka traits if you want your family to be alive' - really, is she asking for too much? "You'll be unhappy! You'll be a baby-maker! It'll be a disgrace!"  
  
Kaesine was just repeating things she told herself when she was thinking about "yes"s' and "no"s' to the marriage proposition that can leave make Senju release Kaiha and let her get home safely.  
  
Kaiha apparently while drunk with her toxic buddies has appeared in the Senju "compound" (what the hell is a compound anyway? How those people live so close to each other? Aren't they going crazy smelling so many scents of a different household-? Oh wait, they're the dead-noses, they don't smell nor feel anything "extra" as they say it) and has offended people, some not only emotionally.  
  
They wanted to wage war against the whole Inuzuka clan for that (it was funny, they thought that they could fight a whole clan Inuzuka when creating a family have at least three children and all are raised wild and they kept cubs close until they have trained at least one canine companion) but when Suiko heard those words spill from Butsuma's mouth she raged and let the words flow which left him stunned and impressed.  
  
Damn her peaceful heart. A war would've been better than marrying that asshole that didn't let her canine siblings into the clan!  
  
There again she scolded herself for thinking that war would've solved this problem better than a political marriage (but it was equally nasty).  
  
"Well, not in there," she said bitterly, but Kaesine looked like she's going to blow up into tears so she turned it into a joke, as per usual whenever Kaesine was about to cry. Kaiha pretty much didn't go out of her room since she got sober and got to know what is going to happen as a consequence of her dumb jokes. Her parents took her decision badly. But she promised them that if Butsuma oversteps boundaries she'll just leave and go home. "I'll hide this disgrace, and, you know, how about I give only girls - the Senju doesn't consider them worthy of becoming the warriors so they can be whatever they want to." She knows how naive her cute Kaesine is.  
  
"Wait- I thought the baby's gender is a roulette..."  
  
"I am just kidding, of course, it is you bonehead." Suiko shook her head and smiled lightly. "But if I could, I'd gladly curse myself to bringing into world girls only."  
  
The silence was heavy as it fell.  
  
"I am so sorry..." Kaesine spoke softly looking low, the older sibling as she should, raised the girl's chin with a smile hiding away her pain at the reminder of everything that is being abandoned and hugged the younger.  
  
"Just don't drool over it, Kaesine-chan."  
  
"I hate when you're being smarty-pants like this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suiko was an Empress of Japan, the 33rd one. She is the one of eight women to take on a role of empress. She ruled in age range from 593 to 628. Her rule was heavily controlled, however she has shown her independence quite a few times in the faces of the elders who couldn't disagree with the empress, she wasn't powerless.


	8. Otome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Otome" - Young Lady
> 
> Mito wants to meet Tobirama. It's not as smooth as anybody would want.
> 
> \+ a short callback to Suiko life in the Senju compound

"But you know Tōka, he needs to be alive in order to fake his death and transport him to a safe place." Mito reminded the enthusiastic cousin about what she needs to do. "Don't be smug and remember he's not safe until the fake Tobi is buried." Mito pretends to not notice the Uchiha heir that was by them jump and hurry away with a weird look on his face. Well, it's his problem to hear words out of context!

* * *

 

Meanwhile, with Izuna and Tobirama, the two were still talking about everything and nothing.  
  
"You know, it looks nice to see so many different people in one building and not trying to kill each other," Tobirama said with a straight face. "If I hadn't seen this for myself, I wouldn't believe it."  
  
"My brother, he's an idealist," Izuna speaks up. "He believes that it could be this way all the time. But I can't see the world this way." his fists clench on the fabric of his pants because in front of his face stand few dead faces. His mother and his three different older brothers. "I feel like, sometimes, I am the blind one with delusions.  
  
"Well, my brother is exactly the same. He is blind with optimism, that's my duty to keep him grounded." The boy fixed the annoying wig's fangs from getting into his eyes. Goddammit, wig. "My brother thinks, that there could one day stand a village like this, that a country could be formed like this."  
  
"This... this is impossible, just imagine that bullshit. Thousands of vaguely different people co-existing peacefully." It sounded like a joke, but Izuna didn't mean it that way. He really can't imagine a huge compound with the holy hate triangle living there as neighbors and them not slaughtering each other totally.  
  
"I don't know. For me, it seems... possible. I co-exist with my family and clan somehow. All it took was some effort." He folded his cold hands into the sleeves of the dress. "What of it that it took years, if adults decide to start, their children would be born into a better world where it is okay to make friends with different people."  
  
"You're an idealist too."  
  
"You should let the imagination go and paint those pictures in your mind." Tobirama arched his brow looking at the Uchiha boy. "Hmm, you really think I am a dreamer?" He was the furthest thing from it - he's convinced.  
  
Izuna wasn't unfamiliar with running away from problems thanks to imagination. Imagination kept him alive. Well, it wasn't taking him to the worlds of eternal happiness, it took him to something he considered useful. What sort of technique would he learn if he had any access to books, scrolls or simply other Lightning users?

* * *

Hashirama was very bored, Tobirama was gone for three days and Madara wasn't present either at the opposite river bank. Usually, he was, and they would skip stones together, train and play. Sometimes (but very rarely) Tobirama came here to skip stones with him... when was the last time he came over to his brother instead of Tobirama approaching him? He pondered about his relationship with Tobirama.  
  
Was he a bad brother?  
  
He heard a rustle of leaves and hopefully his head perked up - are Toka and Tobi back early?! He stood up and soon his smile dropped, it wasn't his brother or his cousin either. It was his father.  
  
Right, three days mean three days...  
  
"Oh, hello father!" he regained his big smile.  
  
"Hashirama, why are you so far from the compound? It's too dangerous for you to wander away." Hashirama knew better than consider those words as Butsuma's concern out of love for him. He was too practical for this. Lately, Hashirama was dragged from elder to elder to be taught leadership, strategy, choosing the lesser evil for his kin and thinking quick when something goes wrong on the battlefield. The manners and etiquette he'll be taught when he officially takes over the role of a Clan Head.  
  
"Sorry, I  was... meditating."  
  
"Well, enough of that, go do something useful."  
  
That could go worse, Hashirama thinks as he goes in the direction of the compound with Butsuma following him.

* * *

Back at the party, Madara returned to his brother and their new friend looking a little bit paler than before. But as they all began eating the cake, he soon forgot that he overheard an odd exchange of words between the Uzumaki Princess and that... another female. He was not quite sure if to describe her as a woman or as a girl, she appeared as a fighter, far much more skilled and to prove that she has all the times she battled and survived craved into her arms. If Izuna saw her, Madara was sure and willing to bet all his hard-earned money, that little brother would instantly fall in love.  
  
What he wouldn't bet on would be if he'd fall out of it or go in deeper, with Izuna you never know. He can be as predictable as he can be spontaneous.  
  
Izuna and Rama seemed to get along great. Madara just hopes that she's not the enemy. Because all enemies you befriend turn against you. Either willingly or not, doesn't really matter because your life is either in their hands or yours.  
  
That's how he feels and that's why he tries to not link his rock-skipping companions: Tobi and Hashirama, with any sorts of a clan. He scolds himself for childish thoughts but doesn't link them still.  
  
"You know what, Mads?"  
  
"Don't call me that." Madara rolls eyes, where does Izuna take those nicknames from?  
  
"I and Rama found an idiot who's exactly like you." Izuna ignored him.  
  
"What do you mean by an "idiot"? An actual intellectual person with a humor you're too young to get?"  
  
"An idealist who thinks all the clans can co-exist in harmony and plans to make so many alliances so they can seal it and make it a big compound- wait, it was a village? Yeah, a village. A huge village that lets civilians and ninjas co-exist." Izuna says in ironic tone but Madara chokes on the cake because it sounds exactly like Hashirama.  
  
Tōka curses under breath looking for her sweet little silly cousin Tobirama- _**RAMA**_ , why can't she remember this _shit_? She was the one to _make it up_! After the sixth time she messed it up she began calling him out by yelling "Senju-hime", she knew it'd annoy Tobirama and lure him out. He was _always_ easily lured out of hiding if she or Hashirama were doing stupid things instead of actually looking for him.  
  
And this time it worked two. But she's done quite goofed - she assumed looking at faces of two Uchiha brats who Tobirama seemed to befriend. Both turned red, the older one because he choked on a cake harder, Tobirama was glaring at her and the younger Uchiha was there stunned.  
  
"Sup _**Hime-chan**_? Ready for an audience with Mito?"  
  
"I don't get you nor her, first you want me to be gone and now I am supposed to go? What am I? A dog?" the albino snarls, though he moves forward to leave. "I'll see you around."  
  
"Ah... uh... um! No, not really. We're going home today."  
  
"Oh, I see, then... goodbye."  
  
"Yeah... you too... Hope to not see you on the battlefield princess!" Izuna says, while Madara who's wheezing air when he finally spat out the piece of strawberry only waved.

* * *

Mito is really excited and Jōmon - a female capybara, her summoning - noticed it and watched with a smile as she goes there and back again like a caged tiger before calming down and settling next to the mammal and softly petting her fur. Jōmon huffs and lies her head down. Like Tōka has a contract with birds, and most of Hatake have canine, Uchiha feline, she has caviidaes on her services. Well, more like they agreed to contract on condition of letting herself be adopted by them. It's kind of cute to recall the day she as so,  _so, so_ scared when capybaras did a reverse summoning - she expected to suffer or fight, but it was only to sign officially that she is their child now, for sixteen years. It's her sixth year she cannot imagine how would her life look without her mammal comrades. With time she made a contract with guinea pigs and maras who despite being cute knew a way to be deadly.  
  
"Sorry to keep ya waiting!" Tōka announces herself before showing up with the same person that she came to party with - telling from the chakra signature, but ~~hers~~ his looks were vaguely different. The brown wig is long lost and make-up is smeared on his face and sleeves of expensive clothes (what a waste Tōka joked while Tobirama looked like he wished a look could kill his cousin). The outer layer of the kimono is gone and only a bright underlayer is left and his obi is visibly tied in a hurry in a way typical for men.  
  
He's really grumpy.  
  
Mito knows he must've been dragged like a ragdoll so she's not mad when he huffs and glares at her.  
  
She's quite amused. The redness spreaded on the frail pale frame, white kimono, red eyes looking around the room and a bottom lip a bit ahead of the upper one - looks like he's pouting– _Oh dear,_ she already _loves_ him. Just a year more and she can use ancient clan laws and adopt him by kidnapping him. Nobody questioned Uzumaki ancient laws that actually went _**"do whatever you want and then justify using smart words and convince the outsiders - the damn idiots - that it's legal"**_.  
  
Jōmon likes Tobirama too.

* * *

  
  
//Let's move thirteen years back right not because I feel like that.\\\

 

* * *

 

 _'Those houses are so small...'_ Suiko scowled watching the Senju houses that mostly had no backyards and kids ran around on streets. One of them fell on his face - (no backyards for those kids to go wild - she huffed the same day at her newly wed husband and the Clan Head of the Senju - how can those kids even come up with anything with such little space to release their imagination?) - by her feet the first day she came in and when she helped him up, he ran off crying because a scary lady with warpaint on face tried to kill him (IT'S NOT A WARPAINT IT'S HER CLAN MARK! Which she was ordered by the elders to get it off - SHE CAN'T GET IT OFF PERMAMENTLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PERMAMENT! SHE WAS TOLD HOW TO CREATE THEM, NOT HOW TO DELETE THEM, IT'S NOT PAINT). She was surprised, but after two years she was used by the small spaces and the spontaneous kids. They were much worse than the kids back at home. Much louder and as free-spirited, but the spirit instead of being festered is being killed. Suiko now fitted in along the line of different mothers all marks off her wildness covered. Wild hair - combed, sharp and bold beady eyes - told to look down rather than up, clan marks (she was very defensive about those) covered in powder, besides with time she became more and more dead on the inside and so they started to blend (first time she noticed she cried so hard that blood streamed out of her eyes).  
  
Her firstborn, Hashirama, who's two-years-old currently is running around the garden that Butsuma got made for her to be more comfortable in closed space, but due to that she feels more like a caged bird even if she finds comfort in watching the koi pond or listening to her little brat speaking to plants and trying to hear the ground.  
  
She didn't neglect her mother duty to tell stories about nature and its greatness. It was here first and will outrun all beings. Looking at her son's almond eyes, she recalls her family and it hurts because there's a war with her clan after all. Her sisters and parents are forbidden from visiting her and she's forbidden from visiting them. She wanted to rebel and escape but she couldn't with such young Hashirama always tugging at her skirt. She can- she must hold his hand until he's old enough to walk on his own.  
  
That is the law.  
  
That is order.  
  
That is nature and instinct.


End file.
